Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Toilet paper

Better Living Through Advertising

While zeroing in on a coupon for the toilet paper we use, I noted that the accompanying ad said something like “Now With Design That Gives the Best Clean!” Now, I was not aware that the designs on toilet paper served more than a decorative purpose. But now that I do know, I’ll be looking out for the best one! It currently has roses and hearts on it. I’m proud that my favorite flowers are featured even on my toilet paper, but I will not let the roses in my yard know about it, since they are thorny and temperamental.


…because you gotta read something.

“Our latest McCafe treat, with mocha and a hint of coffee!” Call me a dumbass (Nick backs away, shaking his head), but I thought mocha was coffee.

The fine print at the bottom of said placemat said, “Summer Disrupter 2015.” That seems an odd choice of words. “Disrupt your summer–buy some lemonade!”


We really do.

From Nikki the Tragically Hip–“Cuss me out if it’ll make you feel better, but you still can’t report something stolen that isn’t yours.”

I request that you not cuss me out if it’ll make you feel better. Being someone’s venting target quickly becomes tiresome. For instance, I did not make this county’s unreasonably liberal fireworks laws.

–“There’s someone sitting on my neighbor’s back porch with a bicycle and a black cape.” Can’t Batman get a day off?

The thought occurs–what is the function of superheroes’ capes, anyway? I don’t think Batman can fly, and I believe Superman could fly even if he didn’t have a cape.

When I first got to work, I kept thinking I felt something crawling around under my shirt. But you tell yourself you’re  imagining it, or that it’s just a loose hair, UNTIL A GREEN BEETLE MAKES ITS APPEARANCE. This caused me to let out a small “yip” on the phone. Luckily, it was a butt dial (words I never thought I’d say–“Luckily, it was a butt dial”), so I spared someone from calling 911 and hearing the 911 operator scream. “IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE MY SHIRT!” “I thought I had an emergency, but take all the time with that beetle you need.”


I Am a Vampire

..according to a test on the Internet. I’m glad we have the Internet to decide such things for us. I’d been wondering what my nocturnal habits and lust for blood signified.

Nick refused to take this test, “because,” Rom said, “he’s afraid he’ll turn out to be a unicorn.”

“He only said that because I have long eyelashes,” Nick fumes. “I’m not a unicorn, am I?” he asks, laying his scaly head in my lap.

“Unicorns only lay their heads in the laps of virgins,” I assure him.

“Can I have a stinger on the end of my tail?”

“You may not. The barbs are problematic enough.”

“Can I set explosive charges under your porch?”

“I have it on good authority that you’re not allowed to handle explosive materials.” I make a mental note to keep an eye on the porch, though, because he is prone to burrowing.


–that termites eat each other’s poop? In spite of (or perhaps because of) this, they also spend a lot of time cleaning themselves.


Fiona, who, as we know, is three, told Rom that she was attacked by a witch, a shark, a Sharptooth (a/k/a T. Rex), and a big bad wolf, all on the same day. It is unknown at this time whether these attacks occurred simultaneously or sequentially.

Sign on empty lot: “Will Build to Suit.” I’m tempted to call the number and say, “You’ll build to suit? I’d like a trapezoid, painted bright blue.”

The house at the bus stop closest to my house has been TP’d. It’s the worst job of TPing I have ever seen. Two lackluster strands hang from the two trees, and then they gave up and just piled the rest of it on the lawn. Considering that these people never clean litter out of their yard, it will be interesting to observe how long it takes toilet paper to biodegrade in a natural setting.

“Can I TP your house?” Nick asks. Sigh.


English: A text written on Toilet paper Portug...

English: A text written on Toilet paper Português: Texto escrito num papel higiênico. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My stats today show 6 readers and 44 views?? Someone had some catching up to do.

I realized, with a sinking heart, that you all must be wondering, What, exactly,were the toilet-related remarks that snowman at Walgreen’s was making? Don’t try to deny it, you know you were. And, realizing it, I had no choice but to go back today and find out. I tried to avoid it yesterday, but duty calls, just as nature does. Ahem.


(singing) Who needs to go? Who needs to go? 

Don’t be scared! {as well you should be} I’m just here to keep you company!

Pull up a seat and stay awhile!

What’re you doing? Never mind–I don’t wanna know!

If you need to wrap presents, I got plenty of paper in here! (That does it. I’m wrapping everything in toilet paper this year.)

Are you OK? You look a little–flushed. Get it? Flushed!

I am truly sorry I remembered all of that. The worst part was, those things are motion-activated (“I start to talk when you walk into the bathroom!” the ad copy announces proudly), so as I frantically dodged out of the way to shut the hellish contraption up, the one behind it started, and for a moment the damn things were singing in not-quite-unison. It was like a scatological version of Row, Row, Row Your Boat (gently down the…). I was afraid the employees were going to throw me out of there for disturbing the peace. I guess if they haven’t thrown me out yet for sniffing all the body washes, they’re never going to.

YOU’RE WELCOME! Don’t ask me to do you any more favors FOR A LONG TIME.


I listened to the recording of Mercenary Mike’s 911 call of the shoplifting, as answered by T.O.  3 things come to mind:

1. People are going to start calling us asking the official meaning of “Negatory, Pigpen.” (I don’t really know what it means myself.)

2. A high point was T.O. telling the room, “Yeah, Mike’s really following them.”

3. Mike, was it actually you yelling, “STAY IN YOUR CAR!”, rather than a police officer? Because, if so, the next thing we should hear is “CITIZEN’S ARREST!”


No one will be allowed to be first in the phone book by starting their business name with any number of A’s.

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