Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Stephen Colbert

Ads & Products & Stuff, Oh My


…award this week goes to some product (I don’t even remember it, so there!) that starts its commercial with “Are you bothered by chronic constipation?” with SHOTS OF PEOPLE SITTING ON THE TOILET.

Rom is urging me to tell on Head & Shoulders shampoo, not least because we’ve argued twice about it. The newest bottles have “#1 DERM RECO” emblazoned on them. Our disagreement was not because that’s not a stupid way of putting it–we are agreed on that score–but because he believes most people wouldn’t understand what they meant by it, and I disagree. Of course, I read women’s magazines, which routinely use “derm” for dermatologist, just like they use “gyno” for gynecologist. (And if you read these magazines, you get the idea these are the only two doctors their readers have.) Now that I think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard people actually using these terms in conversation.

Let’s just go ahead and ban this sort of thing, shall we? I haven’t issued a World Leader Edict in awhile.


Be they banned henceforth and forevermore:

–“mani,” “pedi,” and “mani/pedi”


–“cardi” for cardigan

–“cami” for camisole

–“convo” for conversation

–not only “reco” for recommendation, but “recs” as well

–“deo” for deodorant

I’ll probably think of more as I go along.

–Sign on door of CVS–“Automatic Entrance. Doors Can Close Unexpectedly.” Is “Enter at your own risk” really good business practice?

–IHOP is deciding to focus on burgers? Why?

–Also, Dunkin’ Donuts deciding its name is now just “Dunkin'” is stupid.


McDonald’s claims these are better than they previously were, and I agree. Keep in mind that I’ve never been a big Quarter Pounder fan, preferring the double cheeseburger or McDouble (which are not, by the way, the same thing, although the difference is just an additional slice of cheese on the double cheeseburger) (maybe you already knew that, but I had to have it explained to me). My main problem with Quarter Pounders now is that they have a more “charcoal” flavor. I never care for that–it tastes just plain burnt to me–but I know a lot of people like it.


For a long time, I’ve wondered how McDonald’s determines receipt numbers. Some people get, say, 398, while someone else there at the same time might get 277. But they always start with 2 or 3. I finally realized that it has to do with which register it was rung up on. #1 is never used for some reason, 2 and 3 are at the counter, so the people ordering inside always get those, and 4 is for the drive-through. I’m glad I figured that out. Wait a minute–maybe 1 is for the drive-through, and 4 is the one that’s never used. Oh well, I never have to deal with those, so they don’t affect me.

Did you know that Nick once said the military would be good for me? Of course, he said the same thing about prison.


Stephen Colbert Ripped Me Off Again!

…with a feature satirizing celebrities’ “lifestyle” lines. You may recall I took this subject on a long time ago with 2 posts titled “I Am Not a Lifestyle Blogger” and “Maybe I Am a Lifestyle Blogger,” I would say many years ago, but this thing is only a couple years old, so I guess not. I guess this proves that Stephen Colbert and I think alike.


…because I don’t have the luxury of forgetting about it, so I’m going to drag you down with me. Well, not with me, exactly.

Today’s highlight was picking up the prescription, called MoviPrep, because someone at the drug company thought they were being funny. This stuff is actually polyethylene glycol, which really sounds like something I shouldn’t be drinking, especially when Rom informed me that it’s actually antifreeze. Sounds like a torture scene in a movie–they capture me and make me drink antifreeze.


Overheard at McDonald’s, a woman on the phone:

“Do you know how many times I could have called CPS on you?….Well, I tell you what. I’m gonna bring the kid to you right now. And then if you call me and I see your name on the screen, I’m not answering anymore.”    911 call in 3…2….1…..

So you’re saying that–

A. The child has been in a situation justifying Child Protective Services’ intervention numerous times, which you witnessed, and yet you’ve never called about it?

B. This notwithstanding, you’re now going to bring the child back there just to annoy someone?

C. And then not answer the phone?

Must I hate everyone?

Stephen Colbert Ripped Me Off!

On his new show, Colbert has a routine where he wears a big fuzzy hat (like Genghis Khan), which endows him with limitless power, and he makes decrees. Well, my 19 faithful readers will immediately recognize this as an appropriation of my World Leader Edicts, which I, of course, was inspired by/stole from R.E.M., but I don’t need a fuzzy hat to make my pronouncements. Seriously, Colbert’s show is excellent, and you should all watch it. It goes without saying, as we say, that CBS did not pay me for this endorsement.


Courtesy of A Certain Person, I bring you (well, no, I don’t, and won’t):


*********AND EGGS

***********WITH MILK GRAVY

***************IN A CAN

As A.C.P. said, “Why am I not sitting in a puddle of vomit as I type this?”


{…because when life hands you a segue, you gotta take it}…

I am going to do something I promised you I’d never do.


Don’t worry, I won’t include anything that’s actually gross. {“How can we trust you now?” they whimper. “You promised you’d never bring up the subject in the first place!” Think of it as my penance for my habitual neglect of my faithful FanBase. Or think of it as misery loving company. Your choice.) The only thing I have to report right now is that they sent me a brochure to the effect of “You’ll love our new anesthetic!” Yes, I’m sure I will.


…and penance, Nick’s latest trick is to try and tell me that going on a ridealong with him would be dull and boring. But I’m not falling for it. For (borrowing from R.E.M. yet again) there is nothing more dangerous than a follower of chaos who is not out of control.

I Only Have 25 More Years To Live

…according to a life-expectancy calculator in Time magazine, which predicts my demise at the age of 84.2. But there’s so much I haven’t done! Most things, in fact.


A couple people have mentioned that I really should have expanded upon the list of various ant types previously posted. At the risk of encouraging you to expect actual effort from me…

–Argentine ants: Really? We don’t have enough of our own?

–Ghost ants: Obviously, the ghosts of ants we’ve previously killed.

–Cornfield ants: Equally obviously, in league with the Baby Corn.

–Pavement ants: Um, have all you ants noticed that there isn’t any pavement inside my house?

–Acrobat ants: What, swinging through the air? How about just hanging out with the pavement ants and leaving me alone?

–White footed ants: As Rom said, “Who would notice?”

–Little black ants: You know, that’s how I’d describe most of them, actually.

–Odorous house ants: Do they fragrance your home? That might be worthwhile.

–Crazy ants: Let’s think long and hard about what would constitute craziness in an ant. Not caring about the welfare of the Queen?

–Big headed ants: But what if they have big heads and white feet?

–…and other sweet eating ants. Sounds like something you’d put over ice cream.


Actually, it could have been told at any point between now and, well, about 1830 last Saturday. Nick was having trouble talking to me on the air because he was choking on a donut. You read that right. I can see the headline now. “AREA COP CHOKES TO DEATH ON DONUT. He died as he lived, sources say.”  Yes, I’ve been reading the Onion lately, why do you ask? Good artists borrow, great artists steal! (I borrowed that from Stephen Colbert, but I don’t know who he stole it from.)

I Only Came To Say I Must Be Going

Groucho Marx 1890-1977

Groucho Marx 1890-1977 (Photo credit: twm1340)

…which is an old Groucho Marx line. (Of course, any Groucho Marx line is old.)

After the last post, someone asked, “So you’re applying for supervisor?” NO. I AM NOT. That post was in the same spirit as Stephen Colbert running for President, except that I’ve been doing this longer than he has. When they asked me once, in the beginning when Dispatch was created, if I would consider it, I saw no reason why I’d want to leave a union job. And I see less reason to leave it now, in spite of the intoxicating power over other people it would involve. I might say I would only do it at gunpoint, but I’ve never had a gun pointed at me, so I don’t know how motivational that would be. I suspect they would not only have to point a gun at me initially, but station someone out here to keep pointing it at me. I’m sure that would be Nick’s dream assignment, but, as the old saying goes, you can’t always get what you want (old Mick Jagger line).


–Someone was driving down the street pointing a taser at other drivers. I wouldn’t know a taser if I saw one. (What did I say, Nick? NO EXPERIMENTS. I mean it.)

–A little boy called 911 to complain that McDonald’s gave him the girls’ toy instead of the boys’ toy. Sure, it’s cute, until he grows to be a man and still calls 911 if they screw up his order.

–The first 8 calls today were pocket dials. WHY? WHY DOES IT NEVER STOP? If you knew your tax dollars had to be spent on hiring another 911 operator to handle this extra volume of non-calls, WOULD YOU FINALLY LOCK YOUR KEYPADS? Or would that be JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK OF YOU?

It’s only 1853, but surely the Run of the Night Award will go to…

…”Subjects trapped a beaver on their property. The beaver escaped and is chasing them around the yard.”



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