Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: music

Domination, Donald Trump, Donuts

bread food sandwich wood

Photo by Steyn Viljoen on Pexels.com

…is not what this post is about, but a list of my frequently-used tags (do I write a lot about those things? really?) on the side of my page showed them, and the juxtaposition amused me. Like my music collection, in which “Catholic Communion Classics” is next to “More Cowbell.”

Disclaimer: Nick paid for this post with dinner and a movie, and is, I’m sure, already fretting because his name is not in the title. He will have to settle for a subtitle:

DINNER AND THE MOVIES WITH NICK

And not even a very good subtitle.

Nick may think that he can change from his human to his beast-shape at will, but that actually occurs only when will it, which does not always work to his advantage. So it was in the form of a man that he came to pick me up Sunday evening. I had invited myself along to see The Big Lebowski, his favorite movie, basically because I wanted to know what the big deal was. And Nick was too much of a gentleman to say, “No, you can’t come, you’ll spoil the mood.”

Our dinner party also consisted of Nick’s wife J. (I’d add her middle initial, but I don’t know it), their children Thing One and Thing Two, and Nick’s friend Officer A. B. Nick’s wife was eight months and three weeks pregnant with Thing Three, and I kept thinking, What if she goes into labor right here? Well, there are two police officers here, I guess they’d know what to do. Actually, most men know more about childbirth than I do.

If J. had gone into labor, it would be because there were two birthday parties going on at Hacienda that night, and employees are required to come to the table and clap and sing, and they were VERY LOUD. I was about ready to run out the door myself.

Nick, whose idea of a good time apparently involves trying to make me eat food I dislike, kept asking me why I don’t like salsa, to the point of insisting that this post include the explanation. I don’t know why, since I told him why right then and there. It’s because it looks like vomit. This also applies to gazpacho (I once actually saw someone vomit into gazpacho, and it looked no different afterwards than it had before), and re-fried beans, which look more like cat vomit. If anyone now feels they’ll never eat any of those again, they can just blame Nick, which is a good policy anyway. I tried dipping my chips into ranch dressing, when that option was made available, but it seemed pointless.

Before the food arrived and gave me something to do (since I don’t talk much), I did the usual social-event self-monitoring–OK, now you’ve looked at that person long enough, it’s time to look at someone else, or they’ll think you’re staring at them. If Nick has the keen peripheral vision he’d like me to think he has, he would have noticed that I did stare at him quite a bit (he was sitting next to me), and assumed I was magnetized by his good looks. I was actually wondering if a light-colored fleck on his cheek was a chip crumb or a gray hair in his beard. Oh well, by now it’s either washed off in the shower, or not. I’ll have to remember to check next time.

Thing Two, The Destroyer of Crayons, got free french fries because his food was late. Thing One, The Gazer at Screens, wasn’t sure this was fair.

Nick protected me from an ant on my plate, even though he had sore fingers from being bitten by a folding chair earlier. See, there is an officer there when you need one. Even if he lost a fight with a folding chair.

J. and the kids went home (because this movie is soooo not suitable for children), and the rest of us headed for the theater.

I didn’t really think I’d like The Big Lebowski, but I actually did. It is dopey, but a lot of intelligence went into its making. Did you know:

–“Directing” Jeff Bridges consisted of him going up to the director before each scene and saying, “Did the Dude burn one before this happens?” Since the answer was usually yes, he would get ready by rubbing his eyes until they were bloodshot.

–A lot of the Dude’s distinctive clothes were actually Bridges’ own. Sure, it all looks like it came from Goodwill, but you know the Dude would be selective about his Goodwill shopping.

–The dream sequences were lit to make them bright and sharp, the Dude’s apartment was made seedy-looking (insofar as a bungalow in Los Angeles can be made so) with grittier lighting, and the bridge between the two was the lighting they used for the L.A. skyline shots, which used the orangey-type streetlights rather than the cold bluish kind. So it, to paraphrase the Dude, tied the look together.

–Walter’s repeated admonitions to Donny to “shut the fack up” was an inside joke about Steve Buscemi’s character in Fargo, who never stopped talking.

Nick and I shared a tub of popcorn (which I hadn’t had since I retired). Once we reached into the tub at the same time and our hands touched. Yikes, cooties!!!!!

Oh, I also liked (most of) the music, especially “Dead Flowers” at the end, although it would have been better by the Stones themselves. So, all in all, thanks be to Nick, who, I am reasonably sure, would not forget to put roses on my grave.

 

Against Everything

“There’s an improved way to post on WordPress.” No, there isn’t, just a newer way. It is unfamiliar, therefore I fear it.

Faced with an expectant FanBase, I am forced to admit I do not have the cashmere sweaters in hand as yet, so no picture has been taken. I am also bemused by the varied reactions to my appearance in general. A guy who works at Thornton’s said, “You’re the last person I’d expect to have a snake tattoo,” while others seem to think a cashmere twinset is equally unlikely, so perhaps my personal style is not as well-defined as one would hope. Well, as would hope. I try.

CONTINUING OUR CANNIBALIZATION PROGRAM

I forgot to mention, reading my 4th post in Feb. ’13 (called “Trifecta” something, it’s all a blur)–I was basking in compliments as a new blogger (well, ASIDE from the fact that I invented the blog in 1990, and I’m going to keep mentioning that, so get used to it), and someone asked, Why am I not a newspaper columnist? The short answer is that the paper already has Jon Webb and Stan Levco. The long answer is that I’m autistic. (Doesn’t seem like a long answer? Watch me.) I actually had some professional connections in my youth, since my stepfather was in broadcasting, but I was no more able to network than I was able to fly through the air by flapping my arms. (To give you an idea–I worked at a factory for a couple years, and, after calling me into the office to ask if there were “any problems they should know about,” a question which baffled me, they moved me to a department where I could work by myself, since other people had been complaining about me, for reasons They wouldn’t reveal. And yes, I showered every day. So you can see how networking might be a problem.) I might have more of a clue now that I’m older, but I can’t guarantee it. How does one get started writing professionally these days?

Speaking of compliments, I was discussing the tooth fairy with Nick. Aside from the fact that inflation will get us all (I only got a dime or a quarter from the tooth fairy–something silvery and disc-shaped, at any rate), I remarked that kids must sleep more soundly than adults, since someone sticking their hand under my pillow now would probably wake me up. He said, “Probably not. I’m sure you sleep suspended from the ceiling upside down, wrapped in a cocoon of your own wings.”

And speaking of that ancient post–I really regret the demise of the WordPress feature that would recommend illustrations based on words you typed. (Well, except when my post title was “Spiders and Dead Bodies.”) You can sign up for illustration services, but they work by sending hundreds of pictures to your email inbox, and who has time to sift through those? Not me, I’m almost famous.

And speaking of fame (the title of this post should have been “Raging Segues”), the soundtrack at McDonald’s today included “The One I Love” by R.E.M., a song which proves that people only listen to the first 2 lines of anything. This is a popular romantic request number on radio stations, BUT–

“This one goes out to the one I love

This one goes out to the one I left behind

A SIMPLE PROP TO OCCUPY MY TIME…”

Anyone see a problem with that? It’s about casual sex on the road, hard though it may be to imagine R.E.M. engaging in the practice. Unlike, say, the Sour Neon Crawlers, with their army of groupies.

 

 

Stopgap Measure

Yeah, I said I’d do restaurant reviews, but I had to get up early today, by which I mean 10:30, and I don’t feel like doing anything that organized.  So instead there’s this.

I got up early to attend the Assumption Mass at noon, and the deacon came over to me and said they had no one to do the Scripture readings, and asked me to assist. So I got to tell the congregation about a dragon with seven heads and ten horns (trust me, it’s allegorical), which always makes me wonder how the horns are allocated among the heads. It’s like the old hymn “Crown Him With Many Crowns”–after all, He only has one head. Unlike the dragon.

All theology aside, I forgot to mention that at Nick’s party the other day, I mentioned that I was still halfheartedly considering getting another tattoo, and he said eagerly, “Why not? It would have ‘Nick’ in it somewhere, right?” I’m surprised he didn’t insist it should be spelled out “Nicholas.” I’d love to get a temporary tattoo like that, show it to him (without telling him it’s temporary), and watch him blush and stammer.

Another thing I should do is get a Sour Neon Crawlers t-shirt made, and when someone asks me what it means, say, “It’s a band! Haven’t you ever heard of them?” and see how far I could go with it. Come to think of it, that sounds like a movie premise. If I have so many ideas, why aren’t I rich?

Well, I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier, by which I mean 3:30 instead of 4, but I’ve already screwed that up by trying to think of ways to annoy A Certain Person on Facebook. And I still have to pay the water bill. Speaking of, well, stuff, Time magazine had an article, “Solar Eclipse May Unite Divided America.” Because whatever our differences, we all like staring at the sun.

A Timely Reminder

…My RETIREMENT PARTY occurs tomorrow! Yes, I’ve been retired for 2 weeks already, but I won’t feel completely-retired until then. Now I’m just “newly retired.” It’s like how long it takes after your wedding before you’re no longer “newlyweds.” And there will be a Social Page post after the party, if I survive it and remember anything.

One thing we need not fear is a visit from Nick, who had a prior commitment to perform in the rain at Disney World. “Too bad,” said Rom, “he could have done the stripper-cop thing.” “Hmm,” said Nick when I told him this, “I’d actually thought of that when I left my hotel room today.” It’s a bit pitiful to think of him fantasizing about performing at a party he can’t go to, but he doesn’t see as much of me as he’d like.

OK, since paranoia springs eternal, I am now imagining my (former) colleagues thinking, “PARTY? Oh no, we forgot!” or, conversely, all showing up at the restaurant without me.

Oh, and there is no karaoke facility at this venue, so “House of the Rising Sun” will have to go forever unsung. I’m not about to perform it without accompaniment. Perhaps A Certain Person will treat us to her a capella rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.

NON-PARTY-RELATED NEWS

Piece of junk mail received–“Enclosed: Your Death Benefit and Walmart Savings Certificate.” Yes, one benefit of death is that there will be no Walmart. And who thought those things would go together? Is Walmart now providing funeral services?

LIKE SANDS IN THE HOURGLASS, SO ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES…

I have a 33 oz. bottle of shampoo that I opened round about Inauguration Day. It occurred to me that Trump might be gone before I finish this bottle. I will keep you posted on its progress. I wash my hair every day, but it’s Suave Daily Clarifying, and only a small amount is required, so it’s anybody’s guess. Perhaps I should take bets. I will illustrate the process on Facebook, if I ever get my phone photo-link to Facebook fixed. It’s not worth waiting a long time on hold for. Unlike Nick, who waited OVER TWO HOURS to get on a ride at Disney World. No ride is worth two hours of my time. Of course, Disney World isn’t worth my time, either. Enormous crowds! Things with big heads! Hotels with “themes”! Sounds like Walmart, except Walmart is easier to get out of.

ALIEN FINGER IS TIRED OF ALL THIS TYPING, SO I BID YOU FAREWELL.

 

Day 3: Where the Rubber Meets the Road

…in other words, posting when I don’t reeeally have time, since I have to get up early for church, and then go to work–a “day of rest,” indeed. But there remains When the Bullet Hits the Bone, which will be the title I’ll use if I’m posting when I’m sick.

S.G. 3rd post, 2/25/13–Let’s Get Serious: World Without End

…being the story of how I got religion, if anyone needs a refresher course on that.

Also sorta worthy of notice from that post–

–S.G. starts showing up on Google searches–much sooner than the 6 weeks they told me it would take!, and…

The individual referred to as “Lisa” in the first couple of posts is now known as A Certain Person.

OVERHEARD AT WALGREEN’S

…on the obnoxious country station they had on (at one point, you could actually hear the employees scuffling over the dial–there was a sudden spike in volume, then the country changed to the slick dance pop they {and everyone} usually play these days):

“Now it might be it’s a little too early to know if this’ll work

Right now all I gotta say is, you look good in my shirt.”

And what does that type of thinking lead to? This:

“My baby daddy just broke out the window of my apartment, and chased out the guy I just met that I was chillin’ with. And the guy I was chillin’ with still has my car keys.”

MY UP-TO-DATE INJURY REPORT

Itching–nature’s sign that it’s now OK to pick at it. Except it isn’t yet. Evolutionarily, we need to refine our timing on that one.

 

 

 

Crisis in Progress/Mildly Amusing Adventures Duo

I was asked if I’d written an Easter post. I did not, basically because I thought my Easter Eve quote from John’s Gospel said it better than I could, and if you think the Gospel of John is a bunch of bull$hit, I don’t know what to tell you.

Moving from heavenly things to those of earth–the thing I was most surprised to learn when I started working with police officers is that they can be whiny and gossipy, and they can get scared in dangerous situations. In other words, they’re human beings! With real feelings and stuff! This makes it all the more amazing that they actually volunteer to drive toward, and not away from, these situations, like when I tell them, “Go over there and see if there’s really a tornado”–although that usually leads to a plaintive message, “What am I supposed to do about it if there is?” I don’t know, fire your gun at it and see if that deflates it. And, because Nick is waving his hand wildly and about to fall out of his chair, I will also say that the fact that dispatchers, too, are whiny and gossipy should come as a surprise to no one. So, in this spirit of mutual respect, let me just say to the ladies and gentlemen of law enforcement that if I send you somewhere, and you respond, “Clear, from **whatever location is at the farthest point away from the run**” (secret meaning–“Send someone else”), I am going to answer, “Clear, from 1331 Harmony Way” (secret meaning–“I don’t care, just go”). I swear, someday I will.

And now for the Mildly Amusing Adventures section: Since the Internet is all about over-sharing, I’m sure my FanBase wants to know that when I went to Walgreen’s today, I purchased toothbrushes, soap and deodorant for Rom (Old Spice Swagger, since he’s the swaggering sort), shampoo, and a product with packaging which states, “Advanced silicone technology! Ideal for water play!” Although the idea of “advanced technology” for the product in question is intriguing, I don’t know what “water play” is, and I’m afraid to Google it to find out. My FanBase should also know that my selected songs for in-shower karaoke last night were Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am A Rock” and the Who’s “Sea and Sand” from Quadrophenia, and I rate my performance on those as a B+.

Book of Kells, Folio 292r, Incipit to John. In...

Book of Kells, Folio 292r, Incipit to John. In principio erat verbum. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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