Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Donald Trump

I’m Not F. Scott Fitzgerald

…as my writing professor once told me. I bet F. Scott Fitzgerald wouldn’t have gotten a B+ in his class, either.

This post is brought to you courtesy of K8, my best friend from high school, who encouraged me to have another can of ale.

COSMO ASTROLOGY FOR ’79

Health for Taurus: “Eliminate junk food.” I did not do this.

Beauty for Taurus: “A minimum of makeup. All you really need is a light foundation, a dab of rosy rouge, and navy liner, mascara,  cranberry or expresso shadow for expressive eyes.” This doesn’t seem minimal to me. Plus, it’s “espresso.”

Speaking of which, I told Rom (a fellow Taurus) back when, after seeing a car model named the Scorpio, that, “They’ll never name a car Taurus. Just too dull.” Shows what I know. You know the zodiac sign that will never have a car named after it? Cancer.

I IMPROVE OUR COUNTRY

You know who Trump should get on board as his adviser? Captain Obvious. He’s a military man, which Trump respects. Plus, when Trump is about to say something like, “If she wasn’t my daughter, I’d date her,” he can say, “It’s not cool to say that.” And Trump can say, “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

 

 

The Donald and the Dragon

You may recall that Nick was headed to the Capitol to stop the government shutdown, so let’s check in on him, shall we?

He charged in the doors without significant opposition, since the guards had never seen such a beast before. To get the attention of Congress, he flew in sweeping circles near the ceiling, then sailed down for an impressive landing before the podium. Lawmakers drew back, gaping.

“Wh-what is that thing?” Mitch McConnell said, drawing his turtle-like head into his shoulders.

“I’ve heard of these!” Paul Ryan said, coming closer. “Experimental use in police departments…but the one I saw didn’t have wings.”

“That one was a female,” Nick informed him, and he jumped back.

“It talks!”

“I’m not an ‘it,'” Nick said testily, but then everyone came crowding around, poking at his teeth and ears in spite of his terrible growls, which became louder when a voice in the back said, “I’ve heard of those, but it’s not as big as I was expecting.”

“The President has to see this,” McConnell said.

“Yes, the President! That’s even better than Congress!” Nick cried, and set off eagerly with them for the Oval Office.

The President was eating lunch and watching TV when they came in, but screamed and jumped under his desk when he saw Nick. “What is that?! Get it out, get it out!”

“Sir, this is the latest in law-enforcement technology. We think the model deserves wider application.”

Nick jumped onto the President’s desk, gulped down two cheeseburgers, knocked over the drink and lapped it with his forked tongue, said, “Eww, it’s diet,” and jumped down.

“And it talks, too?!”

“Yes, sir. At least, it appears to.” Nick’s tail began to lash.

The President, having not been devoured yet, began to recover his composure. “That thing’s an ugly color. What do you call that color?”

“I believe it’s navy blue, sir.”

“So you get these things from the Navy?”

“No, sir. They’re used for police work.”

“Hmm. I want this one for Mar-a-Lago. Have it gold-plated.”

“Sir, I’m not sure that’s possible–”

“Gold spray paint, then. But I want it gold. Crate it up and ship it down there. And get a couple females! I’ll start a breeding program!”

to be continued!

 

 

I Am a Cannibal

Hey, they said to start with an attention-grabbing title! And now that I’ve got your attention, since I screwed up the punchline of the joke I ended with last time, here is the actual joke, for the 2 people who haven’t heard it:

–A farm boy and his girlfriend are walking along a country lane through his father’s fields. They see a cow and a bull doing, um, what a cow and a bull do when they love each other very much. The boy turns to his girlfriend and says, “I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing right now.” The girl says, “Go ahead. It’s your cow.”

What I am getting at here is that I will be cannibalizing previous posts, since there’s funny stuff in them, especially from work, that I’d forgotten. Sure, you could say I’m doing it to make up for the fact that I no longer have access to fresh material along that line. You could say that, but you’d hurt my feelings.

THIS OBSERVATION BROUGHT TO YOU BY REDD’S APPLE ALE

Did you know that blogging is something you can do while you have the hiccups? As opposed to saying the rosary, or reading aloud to myself (one of my autistic things, I’ve done it since I learned to read), which are my other options at the moment. But, lest my faithful FanBase feel like a mere convenience, let me also observe that as soon as I sat down here and started, I thought, “God, I love this! Why don’t I do it more often?” This may be because I’m drunk, but in vino veritas, as them ancient Romans used to say, and I’ve found it to be frequently true. Or to be true frequently. Syntax is not my strong point at the moment. I’m actually not even sure exactly what syntax is, but it sounds good. (Charles, can you help? I remember you mentioned it once in an email in the 90’s.)

(“Stop pounding the keyboard!” Alien Finger whines. Why did I need to dislocate that finger, anyway?)

WordPress is now telling me, “Subscription required for speech features!” I don’t know what button I hit. I wasn’t trying to talk to anybody, God forbid. I can barely handle what to italicize.

SCARIEST BUSINESS NAME I’VE SEEN

“Deaconess Comprehensive Pain Center.”

SPEAKING OF SCARY…

Dear A Certain Person, I saw 2 items at Walgreen’s you need–a spider skeleton, and a Mexican Day of the Dead-style Rottweiler. Sure, I could just send you these items, but then I’d need to pay for them. (“Does she know my address?” A Certain Person wonders nervously.)

FASHION OBSERVATION

I said it before and I’ll say it again–“tactical pants” is a silly term. “My pants are an integral part of the plan.” Right, Nick? Rom says he’s holding out for strategic pants. Until then, he wears Real Workwear jeans from Rural King, the official men’s pants of the West Side. Rural King is Rom’s favorite designer.

MCDONALD’S UPDATE

They do, too, have pumpkin pies. The Marketing Book lied to me. They are not quite the same as the previous ones, but are “pumpkin cream pies,” with a quantity of white stuff which has a cheesecakey quality. I eat them every chance I get.

Donald Trump recommends Big Macs and Quarter Pounders. Of course, this is a man who believes that exercise is bad for you.

I ALMOST FORGOT…

The only thing I found of note in my very first post (“What Are You Doing Here?” February 2013) was the observation that “The Internet lets a cult of personality develop around a person with no charisma.” Um, yeah.

A Timely Reminder

…My RETIREMENT PARTY occurs tomorrow! Yes, I’ve been retired for 2 weeks already, but I won’t feel completely-retired until then. Now I’m just “newly retired.” It’s like how long it takes after your wedding before you’re no longer “newlyweds.” And there will be a Social Page post after the party, if I survive it and remember anything.

One thing we need not fear is a visit from Nick, who had a prior commitment to perform in the rain at Disney World. “Too bad,” said Rom, “he could have done the stripper-cop thing.” “Hmm,” said Nick when I told him this, “I’d actually thought of that when I left my hotel room today.” It’s a bit pitiful to think of him fantasizing about performing at a party he can’t go to, but he doesn’t see as much of me as he’d like.

OK, since paranoia springs eternal, I am now imagining my (former) colleagues thinking, “PARTY? Oh no, we forgot!” or, conversely, all showing up at the restaurant without me.

Oh, and there is no karaoke facility at this venue, so “House of the Rising Sun” will have to go forever unsung. I’m not about to perform it without accompaniment. Perhaps A Certain Person will treat us to her a capella rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.

NON-PARTY-RELATED NEWS

Piece of junk mail received–“Enclosed: Your Death Benefit and Walmart Savings Certificate.” Yes, one benefit of death is that there will be no Walmart. And who thought those things would go together? Is Walmart now providing funeral services?

LIKE SANDS IN THE HOURGLASS, SO ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES…

I have a 33 oz. bottle of shampoo that I opened round about Inauguration Day. It occurred to me that Trump might be gone before I finish this bottle. I will keep you posted on its progress. I wash my hair every day, but it’s Suave Daily Clarifying, and only a small amount is required, so it’s anybody’s guess. Perhaps I should take bets. I will illustrate the process on Facebook, if I ever get my phone photo-link to Facebook fixed. It’s not worth waiting a long time on hold for. Unlike Nick, who waited OVER TWO HOURS to get on a ride at Disney World. No ride is worth two hours of my time. Of course, Disney World isn’t worth my time, either. Enormous crowds! Things with big heads! Hotels with “themes”! Sounds like Walmart, except Walmart is easier to get out of.

ALIEN FINGER IS TIRED OF ALL THIS TYPING, SO I BID YOU FAREWELL.

 

Alternative Facts

CRISIS IN PROGRESS

“Suspect was wearing a colorful muumuu.”

“Intoxicated subject got out of his car and tried to start a fight. Started to leave and now his car won’t start.”

MARKETING FAIL

EBay sends me emails regularly saying things like, “Paula! Check out what people are watching

{THIS SPACE NOT INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK}

most on Ebay this week!” As if that determines my buying habits. But they recently sent me one that said, and I quote, “You’re really going to like this, FirstName!” You know me so well, AuctionSite!

ANOTHER MARKETING FAIL

Rom said he saw Donald Trump walk out on stage to the inspiring sound of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” Did Trump actually listen to the words of that song? At the risk of being sued by the watchful agents of Mick Jagger:

“There’ve been so many girls that I’ve known

I’ve made so many cry, and still I wonder why

Here comes a little girl, I see her walking down the street

She’s all by herself, but she’ll never break this heart of stone

What’s different about her? I don’t really know

No matter how I try, I just can’t make her cry

Don’t keep on looking that same old way

If you try acting sad, you’ll only make me glad”

Now if he only wants to go by the title, the Stones’ catalog has countless options, including As Tears Go By, Under My Thumb, and my favorite Stones song, Paint It Black. Rom suggests Sympathy for the Devil, but that might be too obvious.

FORCES ARRAYED AGAINST ME

–the President

–the bus service

–the Diocese of Evansville

List will be augmented as necessary.

ROBO-DISPATCH 3000!

At the rate they’re going computerizing everything, eventually the only thing that won’t be done by robots is answering the phone. But Rom said, “Wouldn’t it be great if robots did answer 911? They’d be impervious to the drama! All the screaming and cussing would have no effect!” Hey, just have robots answer the phone, and I’ll do everything else. I keep reading advice that says it’s foolish to retire at 62, but sometimes I think that I’ll Just Snap.

IT’S BEEN 30 YEARS…

We will soon be inundated by trainees, an event that resembles the Hunger Games, or maybe Survivor.

MEETING TRAINEES AS I LIKE TO IMAGINE IT

“Approach with caution. She has been here 30 years, and is very wise and very dangerous.”

–I emerge hissing from under a rock.

MEETING TRAINEES AS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS

“This is Thing #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5.”

–I hurry past, avoiding eye contact.

THIS JUST IN

Fiona and Archer are, as you may remember, 5. Sample conversation from the back seat:

“She’s poking me with a sword!”

Mother: “Give me the sword.”

“Now she’s poking me with the sword holder!”

Mother: “Give me that, too. Don’t poke your brother.”

“I just wanted to show him how it feels.”

The relations among nations are determined by the same principles. Like the relations among nations, negotiations soon degenerated into a conflict over who had started it, and what importance that fact should have in the larger scheme of things.

IN CASE YOU WERE UNAWARE…

The title is taken from Kellyanne Conway’s term for what used to be known as lying.

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

 

 

 

 

Politician

I want you to listen to this (hopefully) embedded video and imagine Donald Trump singing it.

Remember all that whining I did (sure you do, it was in the last post) about accidentally deleting that post and having to re-type it all? Well, guess what? It was saved after all, just not where I’d been looking for it. So I did all that typing in vain. You can stop laughing now.

I got a spam message that said, “I looked at your post ‘The Parents of Baby Corn’ and thought that you could increase your blog’s traffic if your subject matter was something readers were interested in.” Or if they knew what the hell I’m talking about.

CRISIS IN PROGRESS–ENDLESS DRAMA CANNOT CHANGE

Caller: “I want to know the reason for the closing of this city’s only east-west thoroughfare”…pausing dramatically…“the Lloyd Expressway.” I sternly informed him that there are many east-west thoroughfares, although everyone forgot them as if they had never been once the Lloyd Expressway was completed. The reason for its closing, incidentally, was that someone had been killed on it.

And you gotta love a call that begins with “I just heard someone in the background there talking about Yankee Candles. I find that unacceptable.” (Yes, we are allowed to talk about topics other than work, so bite me.) and ends with “Just forget it. If I end up dead, it’ll be in the paper.” (Well, if end up dead, it’ll be in the paper, too. So what?)

There’s probably a punctuation error in that last paragraph, but I am too weary with life to correct it.

WHAT THIS COUNTRY HAS COME TO

Halloween inflatables? Really? I can hardly wait for the coming of President’s Day inflatables. Donald Trump will probably require them.

 

%d bloggers like this: