Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Christmas decorations

Sit Down and See What Happens

…is what I’m doing, though with the amount of apple ale I’ve consumed, I make no promises.

Black Friday purchase–toilet paper. Hey, Consumer Reports says Walgreen’s store brand toilet paper is the best, plus it has roses on it! Only get the Premium Soft, though (the one with a kitten on the package–it’s a win/win/win situation!).

The first residential Christmas decoration was spotted some time ago, like on the 12th (ED. …of November…!) or something. Yeah, I should have said something about it at the time. The theme of decorations this year is apparently Cheap Glitter Crap.

A WEEK OF L’S

I ran into former co-workers Laurie and Lori! Life goes on without me.

.,..taking this up again several days later…

…the apple ale is but a memory.

YOU’RE WELCOME

I was charged with a great responsibility. The other day at McDonald’s, two people were refused the new “holiday” pies, even though they had them in stock, because “we can’t give them out until we sell all the pumpkin pies.” My mission, did I decide to accept it, was to eat up those pumpkin pies. Success has crowned my efforts as of today. You’re welcome.

NO, I DID NOT EAT THEM ALL IN ONE SITTING.

Speaking of eating, I saw on the news where Owensboro police officers are waiting on people at restaurants for charity. I remembered that Evansville PD sometimes does that. Therefore, Nick, I command you to tell me when this opportunity next comes up. What fun we two could have! And by “we,” I mean me.

ASTROLOGY ’76

“Adventurous You” for Cancer: “You like to have delicious treasures–especially antique necklaces, rings in a secret trove only you know exists.” In your mind, one presumes.

Fashion for Cancer: “The home-loving you relaxes in navy velvet jeans with the tightest of t-shirts (no bra, natch), with the logo of your favorite perfume emblazoned across the breasts.” One hopes your favorite perfume isn’t Tom Ford’s Facking Fabulous. Yes, that is a real thing, yes, it is spelled out on the label, “u” and all, and no, I don’t know why I won’t spell it out, as if someone’s going to tell me I can’t cuss on the Internet.

Hidden Desire for Sagittarius: “To be made love to while astride a magnificent black stallion, back to front and front to back, in a moonlit forest.” Yeah, nothing could go wrong there. If it’s even possible. Back to front, front to back…I’m confused.

TIME MARCHES ON

So I haven’t posted since, gulp, November? I actually began this one a couple weeks ago and have added to it several times. Because the best way to get something done is to wander back to it intermittently. Apparently nothing short of Nick pointing a taser at me will motivate me. But wait…

TREXA COMES TO THE RESCUE!

…with this story, available only here, until someone posts a picture of it on what is known as the Internet.

Trexa, driving on the Northeast Side, spotted a dead raccoon, notable mainly for its feet sticking up in the air. Coming back by several days later, she saw that someone had tied a helium balloon to its wrist saying GET WELL SOON! I love this sort of thing. (“We know,” they say. “You were the one at work who’d say, ‘That dead bug sure is big! Let’s put it in someone’s mailbox!’ To which I respond, I never actually did that..because there was always someone else willing to take my suggestions. And it was the mailbox of The Nemesis. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.) And for those of you wondering, Why hasn’t it been picked up yet?, that would be because no one has called it in. Animal Control does not go patrolling for dead animals, being too busy tending to abused and neglected living ones.

DISGUSTING NEW-PRODUCT NEWS

I walked by the skincare aisle at CVS, and had to turn back, thinking, Surely I did not just see the word “Snail” on a package. Yes, it was “Organic Snail Gel” for “Healthy-Aging.” (Need I mention that no hyphen was required there? Yet there it was.) Snails are, of course, known for their youthful energy. The actual ingredient list said it contained “Snail Secretion Filtrate.” Well, as long as it’s filtered. And organic. And–EW EW EW THEY’RE PUTTING SNAIL SLIME IN COSMETICS.

Yeah, I should have broken this into several smaller posts to keep myself on a regular posting schedule. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

 

 

 

An Army of Red and Green Laser Snowmen

…is what was promised in a commercial I saw today. “ACT NOW AND WE’LL THROW IN VAMPIRE BATS, ABSOLUTELY FREE!”

ASTROLOGICALLY CHALLENGED

Let’s continue our zodiac explorations…now for 1973.

Witchiest Makeup for Taurus: “Green shadow on eyelids, the merest dusting of same for the most intriguing earlobes in town.” Yeah, green earlobes would be the most intriguing in town, I’m pretty sure.

Interior decorating for Gemini: “Start a crystal collection–a disconcertingly placed bud vase with blue silk rose in the bathroom.” I guess a crystal bud vase in the bathroom would be disconcerting no matter where you placed it. I recommend the back of the toilet.

Favorite Aphrodisiac for Cancer: “Clam juice, with a frosting of Mediterranean sea salt, sprinkle of tarragon.” I’m glad I’m not a Cancer, so I don’t have to drink this.

THE OTHER DAY…

Rom saw a sour neon crawler on the sidewalk. This must be an omen. Of something.

SOUR NEON CRAWLERS PERSONNEL:

P.J. McBride–vocals and bass guitar. There’s a heartwarming story of how I learned to play bass even though I’m hampered by a previously-dislocated finger.

Romuald McBride III–drums. He learned to play drums to deal with quitting smoking.

Lead and rhythm guitars–two of my brothers-in-law. These guys are real musicians and I was impressed by their performance of Tom Petty’s “You Got Lucky” in my living room. It takes a lot for an acoustic performance to impress me.

Keyboards–my old friend Charles.

With luck (oh, and with work, and you know how that goes), I’ll come up with adventures for the Sour Neon Crawlers, similar to the stories my dear departed friend Suzy and I wrote about our favorite musicians in 8th grade (Bob Dylan, Donovan, Simon & Garfunkel). Yes, I’m regressing. This is what I do when I’m not giving snaky tongues to birds in my coloring book.

I am at war with my coloring book. Every time I turn a page, I think, YOU EXPECT ME TO COLOR ALL THESE THINGS? ARE YOU INSANE?? Then I scribble all over it.

AN ILLUSTRATION OF AMERICA’S FOREIGN POLICY

–Little boy playing with his dad at McDonald’s–“Give me back my missile! You are evil!”

MORE CHILDISH THINGS–THIS JUST IN

Archer (currently 6 years old) is an alien for Halloween. He told Rom that he’s called Extraterrestrial Highway. Rom said, “Is that how you got here?” and he said no, that’s his name. He also has a special way of holding his hands while running (even when he’s not an alien) because “it’s aerodynamic.”

I hope this post meets with the approval of Nick, who was bored by me earlier.

As it happens, my 6th and last post for Feb. ’13 was entitled “Tortured By Boredom,” and described NIMS training as “being waterboarded with words.” Those who have had this training will know whereof I speak.

 

Day 19: I’ll Seize You When You’re Sleeping

The plan to fill my yard with inflatables being discussed in certain quarters cannot succeed. I keep late hours, and besides, you’d still need someplace to plug them into.

S.G.’S 19TH POST, 4/20/13: Repressing the Irrepressible

I whine about being a denizen of Free Contentland, and worry that I’ve peaked early.

Day 17: They Are the Schneesmen

I got a catalog from The Wisconsin Cheeseman. I am the Cheeseman, they are the Cheesemen….But my favorite catalog name is “Schnee’s from Bozeman, Montana,” which sounds like a Monty Python skit.

Most of the Christmas lights I’ve seen so far have been the boring all-white kind. Come on, West Side–quit trying to look like Newburgh!

I’M EVEN WITTY IN MY DREAMS

I won’t get into the dream, except that it involved going to the movies with Stephen Colbert. But I was trying to figure out which jewelry to wear, so I dumped it out on the floor (not my usual method of deciding, by the way), and was sitting in the midst of it, sorting it out. Rom was watching me, and I said, “I look like a dragon on its hoard, don’t I?” He answered, “Quite a bit.” I told him about the dream just now, and he said, “I think you’d like to have a hoard.”

CRISIS IN PROGRESS–LIGHTS & SIRENS

Officer on radio: “Call the Walmart Neighborhood market and let them know we found two of their stolen mobility scooters, and we’ll be, um, riding them back there.” I hope someone got a picture of that.

S.G.’S 17TH POST, 4/17/13: Forgive Me, FanBase

–I apologize for not posting for a week and a half, and note that the wrapper for my Subway peanut butter cookie says, “May contain peanuts.”

Tomorrow’s post will observe St. Nicholas Day, so if you’re not Nick, feel free to ignore it.

Day 16: Unrelieved Complaining

S.G.’S 16TH POST, 3/31/13–Holy Week: Easter Vigil

–I complain about traffic.

–I complain about littering.

–Hardee’s current slogan about eating like you mean it was newly introduced.

COMPLAINING IN REAL TIME

Why must there be an inflatable Santa down the street from my house? Those things are ugly when inflated, and even uglier when flaccid.

Day 8: I Did Not Spend Thanksgiving In My Bathrobe

…I dressed up (cocktail ring encrusted with opals and a paisley shirt from the mid-70’s, made of magical polyester that’s equally uncomfortable in any weather) to go to the $ General, because we needed toilet paper.

Speaking of the calendar, there is a World Leader Edict in effect: Non-Catholics cannot put up Christmas decorations until the day after Thanksgiving. Catholics have to wait until Advent begins on Sunday. This evens out at the other end of the season, when Catholics have until Epiphany on January 6 to take stuff down–everyone else, out by New Year’s. Thank you.

I had THE BEST THANKSGIVING DINNER EVER CREATED. After creating it, Rom did the dishes while I ate, and he picked at the food while still standing up. You know, you don’t hafta live like a refugee. (DISCLAIMER: THE PREVIOUS IS A SMART REMARK COURTESY OF TOM PETTY, NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT OF ANY KIND.)

To tide me over this afternoon (since we eat dinner around the time I come home from work), I had beast stew, courtesy of Nick. Their meat is actually quite tasty, once the scales are removed. NICK, IT WAS JUST A SMART REMARK, STOP WAILING!

He tries to wedge himself under my couch, but only the head will fit, and only by folding his ears flat. “Get out of there,” I say, in my best beast-controller voice. I’m sure he’ll eat any cat toys he finds under there. Esmerelda is sure he’ll eat any cats he finds, too, and stays safely in the bedroom.

“No,” he says, in a muffled sort of way. “I don’t want you to see me cry.”

“I don’t think you can cry.”
I get up and try to pull him out by the tail. Of course, that only makes him dig his claws into the carpet and growl. I’m tempted to swat him on the rump, but don’t want to hurt my hand. The only alternative is to spoil him further (seems like that’s always how it ends up), so I unwrap the bread Rom made and toss him a chunk. Naturally, he hears it, retracts himself from the couch and snaps it up in one fluid motion.

“That bread goes great with beast stew, you know,” I observe. He glares at me, then crouches for a spring…

WE INTERRUPT THIS DRAMATIC MOMENT FOR A WORD FOR OUR SPONSORS

{I’m using the editorial “we,” since I act as my own editor. And it shows.}

I would like to thank the people who expressed their appreciation for S.G.’s new daily format. I couldn’t do it without you. Well, technically I could (I think–does WordPress throw out bloggers who don’t have any readers?), but it would be pathetic and sad.

AND I ALMOST FORGOT…

S.G’S 8TH POST, 3/21/13: Crisis in Progress: Location, Location, Location!

–I lecture you on telling us where you are when you call 911. That is still necessary, in case you thought there’s been a technological advance since then that spares you the trouble.

–A caller says that someone needs to be “cemented.” He meant “committed.” I think. Maybe he was a Mafia guy who wanted us to do his dirty work for him. DIRTY DEEDS, DONE DIRT CHEAP. I said “dirt cheap,” not “free.”

–Lisa is called A Certain Person for the first time, because she impersonated me on Facebook.

 

Day Two: You Kids Get Out Of My Yard!

But first, let’s dispense with:

S.G. POST #2, 2/24/13: How I Got Beaten Up At Work

A few observations on this story of a former job (the story is 100% true, down to the names by which my co-workers chose to be known on the job):

  1. By now, a mere 2 years after I told the story, you might have forgotten what land-line phones once looked like, to understand why getting hit with one left me with a knot on my head you can still feel 40 years later, if you were to run your fingers through my hair. (Nick backs away, shoving his trembling hands in his pockets.)
  2. And, lest we always blame the criminal, I have to add that I kinda, sorta, could see why someone might feel like hitting me in the head with a blunt object in the course of a day’s work.

BUT BACK TO WHY WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THAT GUY’S YARD

Him: “There’s a guy stuck in my yard! You better get someone out here or I’m gonna shoot him!”

Me: “Why would you shoot him?”

Him: “Because he came up in my yard in his car and he won’t get out!”

Me: “But you said he was stuck in your yard! He can’t get out!”

Him: “Are you gonna get someone out here or not?!”

Why do I even try reasoning with people? By the way, yelling “Hurry!” does not decrease response time.

IT’S BEGINNING TO SMELL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

I am truly sorry I wrote that, and yet I can’t bring myself to delete it, BECAUSE…

Apparently the toilet-talking snowman was such a big seller for Walgreen’s last year that now they have a toilet-talking reindeer–because snowmen are so, well, last year. You know the drill–you put it on the back of your toilet, and it says stuff to your guests like:

“Oh, deer!” {get it? get it?} “Another visitor! You can see the moon from here! And believe me, I have!”

“How are you doing? Well, apart from the obvious!”

There were several more, but I haven’t the heart (or the hart! Get it?) to repeat them, because not only were they gross, they weren’t even funny.

 

“We reserve the right to anonymously monitor employees’ internet activity.” What the hell kind of a job is that?

I Get Meta and Stuff

 

Did you know that self-denigrating blog posts have become a cliché? You did? {Wow, did you know that WordPress automatically inserts the accent mark when you type “cliché”? Cool!} However, I claim a Satirical Exemption from cliché status.

WORTHY OF A SITCOM

I hesitate to say “I couldn’t make this stuff up,” because I’m defensive about whatever creativity I possess, so let’s just say I didn’t make this up.

Caller: “I have a friend who won’t give me my car keys.”

Your Humble Narrator: “What’s the address?”

C: {Proceeds to give me an incorrect address, which she excuses by saying “I’m not from around here.” That beats the woman who once told me she couldn’t say if she was driving east or west because “I’m from Kentucky.” However, we finally figure it out.}

YHN: “So your friend won’t give you the keys–”

C: “Yes, and he locked himself in my car, and then he pulled out the shotgun, and y’know…”

YHN: {seizing upon the casually-spoken detail}: “He pulled out a shotgun? What was that about?”

C: “Oh, just saying he wasn’t going to get ripped off, y’know.”

YHN: {acquiring a clue}: “So is this a drug deal, or…” {pausing delicately to allow her to insert a more-respectable euphemism}

C: “Oh no, nothing like that. I’m a private dancer. I do private dances, and he–”

YHN: “So he’s not a friend, he’s a…” {John? Trick?}

C: “Client.”

So I’m guessing he heard the words “does private dances” and thought “performs oral sex in her car.” Or maybe he just thought of the Tina Turner song.

OVERHEARD FROM ACROSS THE ROOM

“No, don’t tell me your dream, I need to know why you need the police.”

By the way, I am wearing a light green sweater and jeans. Yes, it’s the same sweater I wore for the last post, and yes, I washed it before wearing it again. You people are too inquisitive.

WORLD LEADER PRETEND–BECAUSE SOMEBODY’S GOTTA DO IT

Most of the Christmas lights I have seen so far have been white. White lights are not forbidden. They are, however, boring. Please exercise less good taste when decorating.

Brought To You From the Devil’s Playground

…They say an idle mind is either the devil’s playground, or the devil’s workshop. Well, which is it?

I am wearing a green nightshirt, by the way.

I CRITICIZE THE POLICE DEPARTMENT’S OVERTIME POLICIES

16 hours, which then becomes 20 by virtue of a late run? Really? Those guys need to get themselves a union.

Now that I’ve set them straight (world leadership is hard work!), I hasten to add that my sole responsibility today was to make sure a blob of hot fudge didn’t stick to my lipstick. This is not something which can safely be assumed.

I ADD CASUALLY…

The action of my neighbors, of putting up their Christmas lights and dragging out their (shudder) inflatables, but not yet lighting/inflating them, is to be commended. Although I was tempted to drag the inflatables away by dead of night and hide them.

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