I gave up on the smartphone experiment, since the phone’s I.Q. was apparently higher than mine. It felt like I was trying to ride a motorcycle that was too big for me. (I actually considered taking up motorcycle riding at one point. Surprised? Hey, I walk streets of fire!) So I just got myself another Jitterbug and had it text-enabled, which was the feature I used the most anyway.
THE LIBRARY OF TEXTS
The said phone features 20 pre-made texts, to spare you all that typing for routine messages. I was intrigued by what they thought I would probably need, but the texts were boring (although I’ve already used “Thank you” once and “No” twice).
MY OWN SUGGESTIONS FOR PRE-FABRICATED TEXTS:
“Help, I’m locked in the trunk!”
“Is this 911?”
“Stop bothering me.”
“I mean it.”
“No, I won’t pick up anything for you while I’m out.”
“This is 911? No, I can’t come in to work. I’m sick. No, it’s none of your business where I am.”
SPEAKING OF THE RELATIVE INTELLIGENCE OF PHONES….
My current least-favorite commercial is the one for, I think the iPhone, with a bunch of people tuning their instruments, then a girl starts screaming, “Gigantic! Gigantic! Gigantic! A big big love!” I mean, doesn’t that thing last two and a half minutes? It ends with someone using her phone to set off fireworks. Big deal. People can use their phone to dial 911 with their butts, so what?
WHY I SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTED WITH DEVICES OF ANY KIND
–I wondered why I couldn’t get out of the bathroom stall, then realized I hadn’t unlocked it yet.
–I was attempting to dose myself with antihistamines, of a brand I hadn’t used before. “Push pill through the foil,” the instructions said. (“Then place in mouth. Then swallow.”) “Why is this pill so *$%! hard to push through the foil, anyway?” Did you know it’s a lot easier if you peel the paper off first?
–I bought some microwave popcorn, paid for it, then left the store without it. Yes, it was too late to go back by the time I realized it. Luckily, Nick & Sam took pity on me and brought fried rice. I asked if anyone had a scissors to open the soy sauce packets (NO, I can’t tear them open, WHY WOULD YOU THINK SO?), and both officers promptly produced surprisingly large knives from some unknown location. So that was a bit unsettling, but luckily, someone did have a scissors. (I wasn’t about to try using either of the proffered police implements, since there wasn’t an ambulance standing by.) (I hope I haven’t revealed some law-enforcement secret here, but I don’t imagine officers being armed is a real big secret.) By the way, Nick had change for the first time. Perhaps next time he will learn not to drop it on the floor. I guess he believes what they say, that if you want to solve a problem, you throw money at it.
THESE ARE CRAZY DAYS
…to steal a title from the late and lamented Brown & Langrehr, a local band we followed back in St Louis.
It’s summer, when the calls are insane.
–“Officer safety alert–subject previously disconnected his colostomy bag and threw the contents on officers.” “I once saw a guy disconnect his colostomy bag and drink from it,” Sam offered helpfully. And they wonder why I don’t want to go on a ridealong. That, and having to sit in the back seat with whoever they arrest.
–“Intoxicated subject left the house with a sword.”
–“Naked female standing in caller’s yard.”
The perfect run would involve nakedness, a sword, and a colostomy bag.
–A little girl said her parents made her drink detergent and rubbed her teeth with bleach. This proved to be untrue, although it does sound like something Nick’s owner would need to do to him periodically for maintenance.
…AND I END ABRUPTLY, HAVING FORGOTTEN WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY