CRISIS IN PROGRESS–YOU MAY BE THE PROBLEM WHEN:
–You want to report road rage, then say you followed the other driver to a parking lot and are now screaming at them.
–You need assistance because “A beagle charged me and is trying to bite my ankles.”
Speaking of potential ankle-biters, Service Cat Esmerelda was crying for me the other night. Oh, how cute, she’s got her catnip mouse, I thought. No, she had an actual mouse, mortally wounded but not yet dead. She wanted me to–bite its head off, I suppose. I taught her that the correct course of action is actually to contact Rom for disposal.
YOU CAN’T WIN DEPT.
The better the ant baits you put down, the more colonies of ants you will attract as a result. We hope to wipe out all ants within a 3-mile radius.
OK, I just revealed we’re infested with mice and ants. Would it help if I added that Rom got bombed by a stink bug twice in 2 days?
MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION
I read an article in which a woman resolved to give up her bad habit of sarcasm. I suggested to Nick that this was a self-improvement program we might embark on together. “Absolutely not,” was his response. So it is Business as Usual, since we both have long claws and a great many teeth.
Speaking of such beasts, and their armaments and capabilities, Rom wants you to know that he did not actually chase Nick’s cub at The Birthday Party, but merely made a scary noise in his general direction. Of course, Nick was skulking in the outer darkness at that point, and will have to take our word for it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR DRINK MACHINE AT THORNTONS
–Put in ice.
–Add shot of additional flavoring. (World Leader additions–Do not add a bunch of shots of additional flavoring. And note to tween girls–No, you are not proving your edgy individuality by putting some of every flavor in your cup, but nice try.)
–Fill cup with the soft drink of your choice.
I’m glad they give us the correct sequence of these steps. Apparently I’d been doing it wrong.
BEST ACOUSTICS IN THE CITY
The restroom at Thornton’s. Too bad they never play anything I want to hear.