Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Category: Unwanted Perfume Reviews

Lilting & Joyous

close up of pink baby booties

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Note: The above is what came up when I searched photos for “booty.”

“Lilting and joyous” is how reader T.R. described goldfinches, and said “Just like you!” For the record, Rom said the bird that most resembles me is the mockingbird. That’s what I really wanted to illustrate this post with, but no luck.

DISASSEMBLING COSMO

I bought the copy of Cosmo I mentioned in the last post, and promptly forgot it on the bus. “Well, I don’t care enough to pay another $5 for another one,” I announced to Rom. Yes, I bought it the next day. Because stupid persistence had been activated.

They are having a Steamy Story contest. I could win $10,000 and a private consultation with a best-selling romance author! Imagine how surprised she’ll be when she learns I’m not in my 20’s! The rules state that the story should “have a badass heroine, take place in the present time, and have a happy-ever-after ending.” I can see the book cover now–“Bad Ass! Her ass was bad!”

But on to asses, bad or otherwise. You are now entering…BOOTY MANIA! Involving “glitter-dipped bums poppin’ on social.” Was it scratchy glitter? Other observations: “Juicy backsides refuse to quit.” “The cultural viewfinder is focused on the rear view.” “By 2014, it seemed perfectly normal for fitness stars to popularize butt selfies on Instagram.” It doesn’t seem perfectly normal to me. Of course, I’m not on Instagram. “Donks are rarely censored on social media, so they can proliferate unchecked.” How often must I say it–JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD. Let your butt proliferate unchecked, that is. “Fitfluencers readily admit that butt photos get the most likes.” Fitfluencers? Really? “Today’s vast buttscape includes both smaller and fuller figures, but experts warn that striving for an ultra-ripe peach could become a harmful endeavor. Embrace your butt–without going overboard.” It’s hard to embrace your butt.

THE BEST BOOTY LOOT

Yes, there are products. Exfoliant! I have to say, I’ve never thought of exfoliating that area. Butt masks! “These are safe to wear under undies for up to an hour a day.” I want to know what’s in them that makes them unsafe to wear longer. Butt cream! “Shimmery skin and an addictive smell hook fans of this balm.” Write your own punch line. Don’t make me do it all.

OTHER COVER STORIES

“V-Time is the New Me Time. How to Give Your Lady Parts Some TLC.”

“5 Signs He’s Just Using You.” Sign #1–if he strikes up a conversation after he sees you reading about booties and lady parts in Cosmo.

“We want to hear how V-Time is the new Me Time!” you’re clamoring at this point. Well, it involves, you guessed it, products. Exfoliant! Is there anything that can’t be exfoliated? “Body and V-Zone Soap.” Um, I was already doing that. “Spray Bay Bay–support and hydrate your Queen V.” I was unaware of my royal status, but I’m all for supporting it. Oil! “Illuminates, for a happy, healthy glow below!” So now it’s glowing? Are we supposed to use it for a reading light?

MORE-TASTEFUL PRODUCT NEWS

The other day, the bus driver said, “You always smell so beautiful!” (Frederic Malle’s Portrait of a Lady, described by one Fragrantica member as “the poster child for melodramatic dark rose scents”), and sadly said she used to wear Victoria’s Secret Divine, which has been discontinued. I did a bit of research, and the next time I see her, I’m going to recommend Bulgari’s Omnia Crystalline.

NOTE: When I write perfume reviews, I always title the post accordingly, so anyone doing a search for that fragrance can find it. But I also tack on additional content after the review. So anyone who’s been skipping posts when they see it’s a perfume review (Nick stops in the midst of slinking away) may want to think twice. (“I don’t even think once,” Nick says, flicking his scaly tail.) Now I have to go dip my butt in glitter.

 

The Whole Violet Plant: Borsari Violetta di Parma

beautiful bloom blooming blossom

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Today is National Lipstick Day, and I’m spending it in Vintage Pink gloss. (I am a true boomer, and associate real lipstick with my mother’s generation.) “Vintage” is a fitting concept for exploring Violetta di Parma, a fragrance which debuted in 1870. (It actually predated that by about half a century, having been originally created for Marie-Louise of Austria and Parma, Napoleon’s second wife. 1870 was the year it became commercially available.) (Disclaimer: Borsari Violetta di Parma was actually discontinued in 2014. A company called Jewel’s Joy then purchased the name and reformulated the scent, giving it “youthful actuality,” whatever that is. This review is for the Borsari original, which can still be found online. All hail the Internet!)

If African Violet is just the flowers, ma’am, and Devon Violets is flowers + green leaves, Violetta di Parma is the whole thing. Green leafy notes, sweet but somehow un-powdery violet, and just a bit of woodsiness at the base. It reminds me of one of those botanist’s drawings of the violet plant, showcasing each part of the plant in turn, including the stems and roots. It is very natural-smelling, which makes it seem very modern, since the current trend in scent is “non-perfumey.” I sometimes think we can blame the boomers for that, too, or at least the hippies. I always liked perfume in all its forms, but I grew up amidst classmates who wore “just the natural oils, man.” All cultural analysis aside, VdP is a brilliant depiction of violet, and the first thing I would recommend to any lover of that note. My cat Glamour, for instance, who insists on Rom giving her a violet leaf to eat every morning, and is intensely interested in any violet perfume I sample.

Side note: Marie Louise was obsessed with violets, as I am with roses, and often wrote in violet ink. Perhaps I should start writing in red ink.

MCDONALD’S REPORT!

Not satisfied with turning the interior into something, well, unique, in its Vintage Boomer Mid-Century Modernity, the McDonalds on St Joe is now remodeling the outside. Who knows what wonders are to come? It seems ill-advised to remodel the exterior after the interior, but what do I know? I do know that one piece of machinery (some type of hydraulic lift that lets you move in all directions without climbing a ladder) had a sign written in magic marker saying “Cold Coal Chamber.–‘Monkey'”. Was this equipment somehow coal-powered? How could coal power anything if it was cold? Who is “Monkey,” and how, exactly, would a monkey be involved? Mysteries abound.

CELEBRITY NEWS

…is something you’ll next-to-never hear from me, but Cardi B named her new baby “Kulture.” I don’t really think we should legislate what people are allowed to name their kids, but it’s tempting. Of course, we can’t really blame the mother, whose first name is apparently “Cardigan.”

The ever-eclectic Rom is playing En Vogue singing “Free Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow.” I guess they’re not going to admit that the original sentiment was “Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow,” which I first heard from Parliament or Funkadelic. One of those George Clinton outfits, anyway.

 

 

Green and Purple: Devon Violets

 

 

background beautiful bloom blooming

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Our exploration of violet continues today with Devon Violets, which has been around since the 1920’s and is still being made in Devon. You can find antique bottles, with violets hand-painted on them, on Ebay, if you’re one of those mysterious people who collects empty perfume bottles.

DV is exceedingly green, especially in the beginning. The violet gets more prominent as it goes on, but the greenness never really leaves. It’s as if you grabbed a fistful of violets and got a handful of grass along with them. So how you feel about this one would depend on whether you like green notes, which I do. DV doesn’t last very long, but it is very cheap, so you can reapply freely. I like it, but as with African Violet, it’s a bit too sweet to suit me (although not quite as sweet as AV).

Today has been a heavy sampling day–I have 4 perfumes on. No, I did not go out like this.

AND SPEAKING OF SMELL…

Ad for dry shampoo–“Makes your hair smell fresh on the days you don’t wash it.” Or you could just wash your hair.

The ads for Febreze saying you can use it to freshen your winter coat or upholstery are questionable enough, but I saw one saying you can use it to get extra days of wear out of your PANTS. Your PANTS, people. Now I am going to look askance at anyone I see buying Febreze.

Violets In Powdered Sugar: Attar Bazaar African Violet

purple hydrangeas

Photo by K B on Pexels.com

First off, HURRAY for a free photo service even I can navigate!

In case you couldn’t read the suddenly-tiny print in the last post (no, I wasn’t trying to sneak the information in–apparently cutting-and-pasting song lyrics off Google is not as clever an idea as I thought it was), I’m going to include the occasional perfume review. And if anyone has a perfume-related question (“I want a perfume that smells like X” or “I can’t find my favorite scent anymore, now what?”), please ask. Fragrance is one of my “special interests,” as we say in the autism biz. (“Obsession” sounds so judgmental, doesn’t it?) (No, I did not intend a pun on the perfume name Obsession.) I suppose this knowledge can now expand to fill the space once occupied by NCIC codes and NIMS definitions.

I’ve always wanted a “signature scent”–“me in a bottle,” what could be more romantic? Sure, also self-absorbed, but in a romantic way! Frustrated by my inability to find something that fit both my personality and preferences, I turned to my husband for help. Rom, of course, knows me better than anyone. It could be argued that he knows me better than I know myself. (It would be argued, in fact. We tend to be argumentative.) He said I should smell like “cool, misty dusk in an interesting place.” (Could he be more romantic?) I asked the fragrance fans at MakeupAlley for help, and they said this mood was best achieved by notes of violet, iris, sandalwood, oakmoss, powder, and/or incense. They recommended 13 specific perfumes, the first of which we deal with today.

Attar Bazaar was started in 1980, and they offer inexpensive perfume oils, mostly in an Oriental vein (incense, patchouli, woods, resins). But they do have a few florals, hence African Violet.

I find AV a bit screechy when first applied–violet is a high-pitched note to begin with, so the beginning is a little shrill. It quickly settles, though, into a candied sweetness that makes me think, not of violets with sugar crystals, but violets dredged in powdered sugar. There’s a creaminess to it, a velvety softness. I detect no other notes (unless you want to call sugar a note)–no leafy green notes, no woods–just the violet flowers themselves. So if you are a violet purist and just want the sweet stuff, I recommend this. Also, there are not many violet scents in an oil formulation, so if you prefer that to an alcohol-based scent, definitely check this one out. For my own purposes, I found it a bit too sweet.

By the way, my reviews are based on samples I paid for myself, and I am not paid for reviews. Of course, I’m not paid for anything else on here, either.

Now let’s move on to…

WORLD EMOJI DAY? REALLY?

“Facebook salutes the tiny symbols that have changed the way we communicate.” Yeah, I guess. And I’m wondering how long it will be before texting eliminates punctuation. It’s already made it uncool, in the same way that paying for stuff with actual cash is uncool.

 

 

 

 

Telling People Why They’re Wrong

…a service we’ve (OK, I’ve) provided for over 5 years.

CRITICIZING THE LYRICS OF MICK JAGGER

Sure, he’s written world-famous lyrics, but I CANNOT BE STOPPED.

–“She was more than beautiful

Closer to ethereal

With a kind of down-to-earth flavor”

You can’t be both ethereal and down-to-earth. They are opposites.

But I take issue with every verse of “Fool To Cry,” my second-to-least-favorite Stones song. (My very least-favorite is “Emotional Rescue,” which is so bad it embarrasses me to hear it.)

OK, in the first verse, his daughter sits on his knee and says, “Daddy, you’re a fool to cry.” Any child young enough to sit on her father’s lap does not have the worldly wisdom to make a remark like that.

In the second verse, we learn that he has a woman who “lives in a poor part of town.” She, too, advises him that he’s a fool to cry. (Actin’ the fool, as it were.) WHY IS YOUR WOMAN STILL LIVING IN A POOR PART OF TOWN? YOU’RE A RICH ROCK STAR. BUY HER A MANSION. Or marry her and move her into your mansion. That would be more cost-effective.

In the third verse, even his friends state that he’s a fool to cry. I find it hard to believe that Mick Jagger’s friends give him philosophical advice. Mick Jagger’s friends say things like,

“Hey, what’s the matter, man?
We’re gonna come around at twelve
With some Puerto Rican girls that’re just dyin’ to meet you
We’re gonna bring a case of wine
Hey, let’s go mess and fool around
You know, like we used to”
In case you think I do nothing but complain, my favorite Stones songs are “Paint It Black,” followed by “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” I was born in a cross-fire hurricane, after all.
ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE
…is wishful thinking, just like “Big bands will come back.” Nevertheless (and ever the more), I have a new Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt. It only has the band’s logo on it, not the name. The other day, the bus driver looked at my shirt and said, “Hawkwind?” No, but good guess.
MORE ADVERTISING ABOMINATIONS
Triscuits are trying to get you to just call them “‘–scuits.” Resist them. Also, “so you can Meijer any way you want” is to be avoided. Sure, it tells you how to pronounce it, but that could be accomplished without turning it into a verb.
A FINAL WARNING
S.G. will start sporadically featuring PERFUME REVIEWS. No, no one was saying, “World Leader, can’t you please include perfume reviews?” (Although I know that a few of you would be interested.) Yes, I should probably start a second blog for that purpose. No, I’m not going to actually do so. Partly because I’m too lazy and incompetent to manage more than one blog, and partly because I don’t plan to do this regularly. I’m not a collector, just a person on a signature-scent quest that seems to be lifelong.
I actually have been doing this informally for some time. In the unlikely event you want to read my reviews of a variety of cosmetic products, check out

MakeupAlley, where I have posted as Snakeskin, Wyrmiax, and, currently, CobraRose.

Cat Esmerelda thinks I have spent enough time writing this, and need to attend to her strange and varied needs.

 

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