Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Category: Mildly Amusing Adventures

Write! Write! Write!

person holding pen leaning on table

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Yeah, and guess who couldn’t tell from the tiny sample picture that the person in this photo was writing music, and then I couldn’t figure out how to remove a picture, or if it’s even possible. At any rate, there’s a button in the corner of this page that says “Write,” so that’s what I’m doing. No, I can’t write music, either.

I’M TRASH AND I’M TROUBLE

There is, at the present time, a board with a nail in it on the ground down the street from my house, just waiting for some hillbilly to grab it and use it in a fight. And don’t think that wouldn’t happen around here. There is also an old couch in my back yard. (The people who brought the new couch wouldn’t haul the old one away, so Nick had to haul it out of our living room with his powerful jaws. Rom then beat it half to death with a sledgehammer.)  But we have been outdone by our neighbors down the street, who have an old mattress on their front porch. They thought the Heavy Trash people would pick it up. They were wrong, so there it stays.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Almost back-to-school time, because everyone’s forgotten that back-to-school should be in September. I still like looking at school supplies, and found myself wondering if I could still find a use for construction paper. Is there a use for construction paper by anyone other than elementary-school children? The same question could be asked of papier-mache.

THE PERFECT FINAL TOUCH

–Vultures circling at Franklin St./St Joe Ave. No, I’m not dead yet, in spite of this fiendish heat, which is, of course, not caused by climate change, because climate change would mean we shouldn’t be driving quite so much, which is, of course, unacceptable.) SEE HOW I MADE A PARENTHESIS HERE, EVEN THOUGH I HADN’T STARTED ONE, BECAUSE I AM PARENTHESIS-ADDICTED. I am also drunk. Because a guy on the TV said we shouldn’t drink during the heat wave, so of course I had to do it. We boomers are irrepressible.

KUDOS WHERE DESERVED

Whatever “kudos” may be, I issue them to my former co-worker 911SK, who (having left 911 for less-stressful climes at the Water Dept.) said she wanted to stuff ice cubes down her pants in this heat, because “it’s a clam bake down there.” Now I will think of that whenever I go out in the heat. We need more clever sayings by women.

But it’s back-to-school season, so it’s bound to cool off soon, right? RIGHT? Oh, that’s right, we don’t go back to school in September anymore. We know better somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Dear Diary…

purple leather notebook black pen and brown branches

Photo by Alena Koval on Pexels.com

…I’m not sure what the twigs in this photo would be used for.

DEATH & TAXES UPDATE

From the state Department of Revenue: “We calculate your refund this year as $55, not the $121 you stated on your return. If you wish to dispute this, you may use the enclosed envelope.”

  1. If you already know how much it should be, what are you bothering me for?
  2. No, I do not wish to dispute this. I wish to back away from you slowly. I know a dragon curled on a pile of gold when I see one.

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

I have been inundated with messages on “How To Be a Better Blogger!” If I was going to become a better blogger, I’d have done it by now.

ADVERTISING UPDATE

Febreze ad: “Your house smells musty because it contains soft objects that trap odors, then release them back into the air.” No fair! Why can’t they just trap the odors and keep them? “Febreze can even be used on clothes you want to wear another day!” Yeah, along with your dry shampoo for “the days you don’t wash your hair.” Let’s just live in filth. {Disclaimer: The other day, a Cheerio rolled off the table and into the corner, and I thought, No, I’m not eating that.}

Home decorating ad: “Our flooring will give your home that vacation feeling.” Rom: “That’s a lot to ask from a floor.” {Obviously, my kitchen floor does not give us that feeling–see above.}

VOTE FOR ME, I’M AS GOOD AS ANYONE!

In fact, better than some–I can make a public statement without saying anything stupid or abusive! Or get my picture taken without shoving others aside to get to the front of the line! And I know the place for my signature is at the bottom of the page! I have so much to recommend me.

WHAT MY OPPONENTS’ OPPOSITION RESEARCH WILL REVEAL ABOUT ME

Yesterday, Rom called me from the bike shop and told me his new bike would cost more than twice what we expected. Luckily, there was no one else at the bus stop to hear me cursing. Fiercely brooding about this, I got off the bus and headed for the convenience store, to drown my sorrows in a fountain drink. I obtained same and headed out the door. “Hello!” the clerk said. “Hi,” I answered, wondering why he was saying that as I was leaving. Turns out I’d forgotten the paying-for-it part.

 

Freedom Day

grayscale photography of waiting shed near open road at night

Photo by Alexander Kovalyov on Pexels.com

I guess everything looks cooler in black and white, Even a bus stop.

FLANNERY O’CONNOR AT THE BUS STOP

Flannery O’Connor was Catholic and wrote weird stories about the South. At any rate, the same woman who had previously announced at the stop that she’d shot a diseased chicken with a shotgun was there today. She wears glasses and has hair dyed pink and red, with dark roots, which reminds me uneasily of something I might have done at her age. AND SHE WAS TELLING US ABOUT HOW HER FAMILY ALWAYS TALKS ALL THE TIME AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS LIKE SHE DOES, AND IF YOU CAN’T KEEP UP, TOO BAD, AND ONCE HER COLLEGE PROFESSOR GAVE HER AN F ON A PAPER AND SAID IT WAS “INCOHERENT RAMBLING.” Meanwhile, her man, a soft-spoken guy with the accent of his native Pennsylvania (according to him, I didn’t think he had any accent) was wearing a t-shirt with an old-timey newscaster, and the words “THIS JUST IN. YOU’RE AN IDIOT.” Actually, I am a very stable genius. I have to tell you, or else you’d never be able to figure it out.

IRONY ALERT

A picture of an old-timey 50’s newscaster signals that something ironic is about to be expressed. Similar, but more general in application, to a picture of a smiling old-timey 50’s housewife, which signals something ironically feminist, because all old-timey housewives are assumed to have been repressed and miserable and in a state of desperate denial . Get it?

CAMPAIGN NON-PROMISES

I need to update these, as 2020 is, well, not fast-approaching, exactly, but you get the idea.

If elected, I will not:

  1. Alienate our allies.
  2. Suck up to dictators. (I will be a dictator unto myself.)
  3. Impose tariffs on everyone even though I don’t understand how they work.
  4. Say that you owe me an additional 2 years on my term for daring to investigate me.
  5. Pay someone to block the release of my tax returns/school grades/SAT scores. My state of stable geniushood should be obvious to all.
  6. Dye my hair an unnatural color.
  7. Have a fake tan. Actually, have any tan at all.

So, if you’re trying to think who to write in on the ballot, keep me in mind. Then they’ll have to go looking for me. It’ll be like John Galt in “Atlas Shrugged.” Except better-written.

Oh, and the title? I retired 2 years ago today.

The Moral of the Story

black bird perching on concrete wall with ocean overview

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

A couple days ago, I missed my bus, for the usual reason of letting Rom show me points of interest in the yard for too long (and, I must admit, prolonging our romantic leave-taking). OK, I thought, I will walk down to St Joe, which takes me 20 minutes or so.

I got to the top of the hill, turned, and felt a warm splat on my face. Ironically, a couple of days previously, I’d thought, It’s surprising, with all the walking I do, that I don’t get pooped on by birds more often.

It got on my face, my hair, my pants, my glasses. Suddenly I lost all appetite for walking to St Joe, especially since I was wearing dark clothing (as I usually do), which made what had happened all too evident. I walked back down the hill, glasses clutched in one hand, and one eye squeezed shut, since the stuff was threatening to drip into it, in spite of my flailing at my face. There actually is a story in the Catholic Bible–you know, the one Protestants didn’t take books out of–about a man who slept out in the open, and birds pooped in his eye, and he went blind. (Yes, there’s a lot of weird stuff in Scripture.) I was fairly sure that, due to being legally blind, I would trip or be hit by a car, but neither occurred.

So I got home, cleaned my face, hair, and eye with makeup-remover wipes, and changed my pants. Rom said he’d never seen so much bird poop on a person, and speculated that it had been a large bird like a crow. Hence the illustration. Also keep in mind that crows are probably the smartest animals other than us and the great apes. (I don’t know about the not-so-great apes.)

But what is the moral of the story, you ask?

Well, Rom said, “It seems like Someone doesn’t want you to go out.” Nevertheless (and ever the more), I went out again anyway, and got on the next bus. At a stop down the way, a couple was waiting, but all they had was a $5 bill. They asked if anyone on the bus had change. And guess who had a wad of $1 bills, thanks to McDonald’s being short of 5’s? Considering one of them had a lunch box, and they were willing to use a $5 bill for a $1.50 fare for the two of them, I bet they got out at Walmart to work, not shop. So maybe Someone wanted me to take that bus, although I question the use of bird excrement to achieve the desired end.

VOTE FOR ME! I’M THE OUTSIDER!

And I know what it’s like to be shat on! And if I get any subpoenas, I’ll just ignore them. Why not?

Disclaimer: The author of this post received 1 or 2 subpoenas in the course of her job, when she had one, and did not ignore them.

 

Here I Am

2 BEVERAGE-RELATED TIPS (I REFUSE TO CALL THEM “LIFE HACKS”)

–Do not get an alcoholic beverage in your eye.

–Look at your water glass before you drink from it, unless you want an ant in your mouth. Rom’s response was, “Dead or alive?,” as if that made a difference.

WordPress is telling me, “Try the new block editor and level up your layout.” I don’t even know what that means, so I guess I don’t need it.

VOTE FOR ME, I’M THE OUTSIDER! 

Are you desperate enough yet?

THE WORST PHONE SCAM EVER

Rom’s phone rang. He was napping, so I answered it. The India-accented caller seemed surprised at hearing my voice, but then said, “Do you want Cialis erection medicine–for your husband?” To buy time while I gathered my wits, I said, “Excuse me?” (a tactic I learned at 911–911 builds character!) He hurried on, “Or Oxycontin or Fentanyl–we have very good prices!” You know, something tells me that reputable pharmacies do not call you out of the blue and offer you opioids.

macro photo of black carpenter ant on green leaf

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

 

 

OK, Whatever

couple kissing together standing near people

Photo by Tan Danh on Pexels.com

I typed in “whatever,” and this is the only picture that came up. Whatever.

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

Nick is no longer a police officer. He came over for his no-longer-a-police-officer present, and we hugged for, I’m guessing, less than the 20 seconds required for a hug to have its effects on your health, so I’m safe.

That sounds like a hug was his present, which is, I believe, illegal. His present was actually a Donut Bank t-shirt, since he can now go to Donut Bank without people snickering. You know, cops, donuts, etc.

It also sounds like the police department threw him out, which they did not. He threw himself out.

Spellcheck says “donut” is not a word, but fack them. Yes, I’m drunk. It’s April Fool’s Day, and that is the quickest way to become a fool.

THERE WILL BE, AS EVERY YEAR, LIVE-BLOGGING TO ACCOMPANY DOING MY TAXES, WHICH, I BELIEVE, THERE IS A DEADLINE FOR.

IN RETROSPECT, NO, THERE WAS NOT. YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS.

 

 

Politics & Religion

architecture bright building capitol

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

RADICAL CENTRIST OBSERVATIONS

Dear Republicans, More tax breaks for corporations is not tax “reform.”

Dear Democrats, Guaranteed income for those who “choose not to work”? Really?!

Out upon you both!

Yes, these thoughts came to mind while I was thinking about doing my taxes. The forms did finally arrive, thanks for asking.

86% CONSERVATIVE CATHOLIC OBSERVATION

…based on an internet quiz I took on Catholicism. With 1 as most liberal and 100 as most conservative, I got 86, which seems about right. Anyway, I found a prayer pamphlet lying around (seriously–it was in the lobby of a medical office building) which included a prayer for the healing of schism, but also a prayer in honor of Reformation Day. What’s wrong with this picture?

Now that I’ve offended a broad spectrum of Americans…

COSMO ASTROLOGY 1988

Beauty for Cancer: “For an interesting look, try perming just one section of hair.” Well, that would be interesting, certainly.

ASTERISK AS FIG LEAF

Speaking of Cosmo, they have decided it’s kicky and young to have article titles like “Sh*t You Should Take on Vacation” and “How to Know You’re Dealing with a F*ck-Boy.” It’s OK, we used an asterisk!

OVERHEARD AT THE NAMELESS CONVENIENCE STORE DOWN THE STREET FROM ME

–“I got chocolate on my shirt. How can I get it out?”

–“Use club soda. It’ll get out anything–chocolate, blood, anything.”

I immediately suspected the second speaker of trying to dispose of a body.

It’s National Fragrance Day!

beautiful bloom blossom bud

Photo by YUSUF Yulipurnawan on Pexels.com

Yeah, I know no one else cares. Anyway, I dreamed I made Mitsouko my signature scent.

COSMO ASTROLOGY 1987

…is full of perils. Even though it was the year I married Rom. So here’s

Taurus with Taurus: “You’re the most wildly stubborn sign in the entire zodiac, and so is he–which makes for titanic clashes. Neither of you is capable of giving an inch, and life is soon reduced to a series of battles about what to eat, which movie to see, where to vacation. ..even sensational sex can’t make up for so many downs.” Actually, we are agreed about where to vacation–at home. Travel bad.  Speaking of which, my email contains, “ENTER THE AARP TRAVEL SWEEPSTAKES!” No, please no!

Oh no, I spilled Redd’s on my velvet pen case! What will I do? IT’S NATIONAL FRAGRANCE DAY, OF COURSE I AM CELEBRATING!

Home decorating for Capricorn: “Have the place painted in a subdued pastel hue. Furniture is covered or accented in the same subtle shade, for a look that’s breathtakingly coordinated.” It’s so breathtaking when you can’t find the chair, because it’s the same color as the walls.

Romantic Rendezvous for Pisces: “In a rowboat on an isolated lake.” Yeah, I can’t see that leading to drowning or anything.

IN OTHER NEWS

You know a guy in a suit at Taco John’s is going to be annoying. “I need Potato Oles, and make sure they’re hot and fresh.” Dude, take your chances like the rest of us peasants.

Seriously, the state of my velvet pen case is troubling me.

What is also troubling me is that the state of Indiana has not sent my tax forms yet, because they’re hoping I’ll panic and file online anyway. Why am I not filing online? A.) I don’t have my printer hooked up, because I fear it, and B.) I resist any attempt to make me do something. Yes, I will  panic and file online anyway if the forms don’t come. Next question?

VOTE FOR ME, I’M THE OUTSIDER, AND I WILL NEVER MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING ONLINE WITH THE SPURIOUS ARGUMENTS OF “THAT’S HOW WE DO IT NOW” AND “YOU’RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY.”

 

 

 

I’ve Always Been a Spider

candy machine jar

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

You gotta love a spider vending machine, right?

MISHEARD COMMERCIALS

Similar to misheard song lyrics, only, well, you get the idea.

–For, I think, some TV streaming service: “Relax, put on your comfy pants…” sounds like “put on your puppy pants.”

==For a metastatic breast cancer medication: “I’m a fighter. Always have been.” I invariably hear this as, “I’m a spider. Always have been.” This raises two objections:

–If you were, indeed, a spider, breast cancer, metastatic or otherwise, would probably not be among your concerns. And,

–Haven’t all spiders always been spiders? Unless you don’t want to count the time they spent as eggs. And then you get into the philosophical/ethical controversy about whether spider life begins at conception or at hatching.

CURRENT FAVORITE COMMERCIAL

The McDonald’s one–“Gimme that fish! Gimme that Filet-O-Fish!” I find it creepily compelling. I do not, by the way, refer to said item as Filet-O-Fish when ordering. I refer to it as a fish sandwich, and encourage you to do the same. I also encourage you not to get tartar sauce, which is only mayonnaise with boogers in it. And, note to Hardee’s–Why do you think a fish sandwich should have lettuce on it? Of course, lettuce is pretty much pointless on any sandwich.

OBSERVATION AT WALGREENS

The amount of St Patrick’s Day merchandise is equivalent to the amount of New Year’s Eve merchandise. It falls into the in-case-somebody-cares category.

MORE CAMPAIGN PROMISES

I will abolish Daylight Savings Time, and make the Eastern/Central time zone dividing line the Indiana/Ohio border again. Or the Indiana/Illinois border. Something easy to remember. Of course, this may all be academic, since, if I become President, time as we know it will cease to exist.

Mardi Gras at McDonald’s

baking blueberry breakfast delicious

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Pexels.com

Since Mardi Gras is called Pancake Tuesday in, I think, England, I went to McDonald’s to have some. But the real Mardi Gras King today was undoubtedly the person who left their cardboard crown from Burger King under the bus seat today, amidst a pile of scattered candy.

I am wearing my two strands of Mardi Gras beads. Disclaimer (since Nick always fantasizes about some risque explanation): I found one on the sidewalk by the bus stop after the Mardi Gras parade had gone by one year, and the other was awarded me for eating at Hacienda after my dentist appointment another year, since my dentist’s office is across the street from them. Because my life is exciting.

I AM THE OUTSIDER AND I WILL NOT SHUT UP

Since I am a declared presidential candidate (no Launching an Exploratory Committee for me!), I am as entitled to pontificate as any of the others. I will never stop reminding you that–

–Mexico was going to pay for the wall, hence, no need to keep asking us to do it, and

–the tax cuts to individuals given in tax “reform” will expire, the ones for corporations will not.

Perhaps I will state those two things at the end of every post, like Cicero’s “Carthago delenda est.” (“And by the way, Carthage must be destroyed.”)

And if you say, “But you’re not a serious candidate!”–I’m not a serious anything.

Well, I had a couple World Leader Edicts in mind, to keep in practice for when I win the election. I was even sitting on the bus thinking, I’ve got to write a blog post just to get these on the record. Now that the time has come, I cannot remember a single one. And I haven’t even started my Mardi Gras drinking.

ON ANOTHER NOTE

There is no segue for this, so I won’t even try. We are mourning the loss of my mother-in-law, Amazing Grace. I’m glad I got to see her at her 90th birthday party in January. It’s funny how the little things can affect you–I just remembered, No more birthday and anniversary cards from her, and teared up a bit. Her funeral will be tomorrow, which is, as it happens, Ash Wednesday. Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

 

 

%d bloggers like this: