I guess everything looks cooler in black and white, Even a bus stop.
FLANNERY O’CONNOR AT THE BUS STOP
Flannery O’Connor was Catholic and wrote weird stories about the South. At any rate, the same woman who had previously announced at the stop that she’d shot a diseased chicken with a shotgun was there today. She wears glasses and has hair dyed pink and red, with dark roots, which reminds me uneasily of something I might have done at her age. AND SHE WAS TELLING US ABOUT HOW HER FAMILY ALWAYS TALKS ALL THE TIME AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS LIKE SHE DOES, AND IF YOU CAN’T KEEP UP, TOO BAD, AND ONCE HER COLLEGE PROFESSOR GAVE HER AN F ON A PAPER AND SAID IT WAS “INCOHERENT RAMBLING.” Meanwhile, her man, a soft-spoken guy with the accent of his native Pennsylvania (according to him, I didn’t think he had any accent) was wearing a t-shirt with an old-timey newscaster, and the words “THIS JUST IN. YOU’RE AN IDIOT.” Actually, I am a very stable genius. I have to tell you, or else you’d never be able to figure it out.
A picture of an old-timey 50’s newscaster signals that something ironic is about to be expressed. Similar, but more general in application, to a picture of a smiling old-timey 50’s housewife, which signals something ironically feminist, because all old-timey housewives are assumed to have been repressed and miserable and in a state of desperate denial . Get it?
I need to update these, as 2020 is, well, not fast-approaching, exactly, but you get the idea.
If elected, I will not:
- Alienate our allies.
- Suck up to dictators. (I will be a dictator unto myself.)
- Impose tariffs on everyone even though I don’t understand how they work.
- Say that you owe me an additional 2 years on my term for daring to investigate me.
- Pay someone to block the release of my tax returns/school grades/SAT scores. My state of stable geniushood should be obvious to all.
- Dye my hair an unnatural color.
- Have a fake tan. Actually, have any tan at all.
So, if you’re trying to think who to write in on the ballot, keep me in mind. Then they’ll have to go looking for me. It’ll be like John Galt in “Atlas Shrugged.” Except better-written.
Oh, and the title? I retired 2 years ago today.