In all the excitement of perfume sampling and such, I forgot that I’m running for President! (After all, I have to have a signature scent by Election Day.)
I guess by now it’s time for more specifics:
- I will not make any speeches while it’s snowing.
- I understand that insisting on my own way is not “negotiating.” However, I will probably insist on my own way anyway.
- Twitter is icky and I will not use it, nor read it if you do use it.
- I will not tell you Mexico is going to pay for something, then turn around and try to make you pay for it.
- I will not say “On Monday I’m going to announce I’m running for President.” That is an announcement. No one is fooled.
- When reporters ask me what I’m going to do about something, I will not say, “You’ll see,” or “You’ll find out on Wednesday.”
- In the course of debates, I will not use the “You’re another one!” tactic, also known as, “No puppet! You’re the puppet!”
- In fact, I will not appear in debates. I will submit a list of written answers. Hey, it seems to be working so far.
- I will not do anything to my hair to make myself more electable.
- I might buy clothes to make myself more electable, because I’m always looking for an excuse to buy more clothes.
- I will need “executive time” to listen to music. This will never be country music. “WE WANT THE WORLD AND WE WANT IT NOW!!” Now we’ve got it and we don’t know what to do with it.