Fashion Police Report
DUELING T-SHIRTS ON THE BUS
First, another guy with a “SORRY, I Couldn’t Hear You Over the Sound of My FREEDOM” shirt, but this time with Abraham Lincoln instead of an eagle. Somehow, I doubt that Lincoln was in favor of not listening to other people.
Then a woman with a “Green Eggs and Ham” t-shirt and pink hair got on, and Mr. Freedom started flirting with her. Or trying to. Guys, “I see you’re goin’ for the Wanna-Be-a-Goth look” is not a good pickup line. He then started loudly listing the Dr. Suess books, ranked according to his estimation of best or worst (#1: Green Eggs and Ham, #2: The Star-Bellied Sneetches, #3: The Lorax), followed by the movies he’s seen recently and his evaluation of the CGI quality of each. All the while, he was oblivious to her avoidance of eye contact. Maybe he couldn’t notice it over the sound of his freedom.
Nose rings are gross. The newly-fashionable kind that hangs down from your nose and looks like a protruding booger in profile, more so. Michael Stipe, I’m looking at you. But trying not to.
Leggings continue to not be pants. The number of people treating them as such does not alter this reality.
WORLD LEADER EDICT
I hereby ban fake stuff on clothes. This includes:
–Pants or leggings with fake holes torn in them. “But it shows my cute legs in the summer!” or “I can wear cute print tights under them in winter!” is not a valid defense.
–Fake signs of wear on jeans.
–Fake pockets or, even more weirdly, fake flies on pants, ditto. I must confess that I actually own a couple pairs like this, but since I always wear my shirts untucked, it doesn’t matter what the top of my pants looks like. Pants are just a pair of legs to me. Ironically, I am the ideal candidate for leggings.
–T-shirts advertising a college you didn’t go to, a charity event you did not participate in (if only to donate money), a band you don’t like (except the Sour Neon Crawlers, who need all the publicity they can get), etc. If your shirt says “I’m Awesome,” you must, in fact, be awesome. If you have a Scratchy Glitter t-shirt, the lettering must be in glitter which is, in fact, scratchy, although I shudder at the thought.
A FAN-BASE GET-WELL CARD
Before I forget, as I am prone to do, best wishes to a couple readers who are recovering from medical problems. Privacy regulations do not allow me to reveal who they are or what they are recovering from.
BUT NEVERTHELESS I WILL PLUNGE BOLDLY INTO POLITICS
…and observe that if there is a Second Civil War, I will be stood against the wall and shot, no matter who wins. The fringes on both sides participate in The Emperor’s New Clothes politics, they just differ in what fancy outfit they believe the Emperor is wearing. If only there were a Party of Common Sense. But then we couldn’t agree on what common sense was. I may have to rule the world after all.
Sign at the Pet Food Center: “Uncle Sam Wants You To Be Flea and Tick Free.” That was Uncle Sam’s final wish, before Trump shot him on Fifth Avenue because Vladimir Putin told him to. And no, I’m not a progressive. Fooled you again.