The Content I Robbed You Of

by pjmcbride


The Liberated You–Aries: “You’re propelled toward many affairs and will have them whether or not you marry. (Once wed, of course, you’ll be considerately discreet.)” Of course.

The Liberated You–Taurus: “You’ll have many, many lovers in your life (Venus girls are sexy at sixty!), and though you may forget a few of them, their memories will overflow with lusty thoughts of you.” I’ve had two. Unless I forgot a few of them.

The Liberated You–Aquarius: “Even when well-married, the lusty Aquarian girl has a taste for affairs on the side. You dally discreetly, though, and waste no time with guilt–nor should you.” I’m beginning to get an idea of what constituted “liberation” in 1980.


Around this time in 2013, I was being relieved that the police department didn’t have helicopters, because that meant there was no chance of a mandatory training ride-along with Nick.


Our family friend Charles has described the typical garden tour given by my in-laws:

“Here’s where I was going to put in marigolds, but I decided the yellow wouldn’t go with what I already had.”

“There was a hydrangea bush here, but it died when we had that cold snap last year.”

“These rosebushes were covered in flowers last week, but they’re all gone now.”

In other words, the strictly-theoretical garden.

In that spirit, I give you…two things I thought of writing about but didn’t.

–I went to Walmart (where I’ve never been, at least in its present location–you know, until they decided they needed a Bigger Building, and left the old one as an Everlasting Eyesore), hoping to report back to you. But the only things I have to say about Walmart is:

A. It’s very large, and

B. Their restroom sink sprayed water all over my sleeve.

I bought myself a souvenir of an extra-large deodorant stick. That seems to be what they specialize in. Maybe that’s why they needed a bigger building.

–Inspired by their new Peach-Mango flavor, I was going to try 5-Hour Energy Drink and report back to you (thereby having experienced mango flavor in both stimulant and depressive {ale} forms), but my social worker/arresting officer Nick advised against it.

So there you have it. Or rather, there you don’t have it.