Elastic Reality

by pjmcbride

…is what you get in the land of alternative facts. Actually, you are now at a prime source of alternative facts. For all you know, Nick might not really have wings and a scaly tail.


There is an afro wig lying in the gutter on N. Barker Avenue.


Down the street from the abandoned afro wig was a small black car. On its back window were the words “I Am the Captain of My Life and the Master of My Destiny.”  The car must have belonged to the guy I talked to the other night, who said, “I got a warrant, but don’t send an officer. I’m gonna turn myself in. I don’t want to get arrested on anyone else’s terms.” Wait, isn’t getting arrested the exact opposite of “on your own terms”? Not that I’d know, but you hear stories.


Brought to you by The Loud Guy On the Bus!

“Yeah, we just brought him in and laid him in the bathtub. Then all the cops showed up and asked me, ‘What do you have to do with the guy who’s laying here shot in the head?’ And I was all like, ‘I don’t know nothin’, I just got here 3  minutes ago,’ ’cause the only thing I care about is whether I go to jail or not, y’know? ‘Cause I ain’t been before a judge for 20 months.”  His personal best, I’m sure.

On to McDonald’s, where the Table of Retired Guys was in session to discuss the issues of the day. One gentleman opined that Obama was, too, born in Kenya (to their credit, his companions corrected him, about that and about Obama’s mother being a Muslim), and that, if you use McDonald’s Wi-Fi {spell-check just capitalized Wi-Fi for me, and I take no responsibility for that decision}, everyone else in the building can see what you’re doing on the internet. {Apparently we’re not capitalizing “internet” anymore.} The opinion was also expressed that someone “oughta be shot for treason,” and I was very tempted to butt in and say, “You mean Trump, for colluding with the Russians?” Actually, I wouldn’t have been butting in, because they regularly ask about Alien Finger (which remains Basically Functional But Not Quite Like a Finger That Has Never Been Dislocated) and express hope that I will soon retire and join them. They will be sorry if I do, because I heard them refer to Catholics as “usually good people, but they’ve been brainwashed,” and I can argue the Reformation all afternoon, and twice on Sundays, thanks to Sunday bus service!


–Archer, 5 years old: “I like diamond shapes. They’re aerodynamic.”

Speaking of things that are aerodynamic, Nick wants me to think that I’ll never break his heart of stone, but I suspect I already have. See, Nick? This time I parenthesized the post with references to you. Satisfied? You are like Cat Esmerelda, nagging me for belly rubs.