He’ll Seize You When You’re Sleeping

by pjmcbride

Though it’s hard to tell, I am still in Blog School. The most recent assignment was to look at other people’s posts who had been inspired by the word “conundrum.” I found that disheartening. They all wrote thoughtful things, and I told you about getting locked in a bathroom stall. You deserve better, but then, you didn’t deserve Donald Trump, either, and look what happened.

I had a very good Christmas. For one thing, apparently it was written in the stars that this year, Taureans would be given socks. (No, Nick, I do not actually believe in astrology. Now you are thinking, “Then how can you believe in Catholicism, which has no more proof of being true?” but you won’t actually say it. Now you are thinking, “I’m not that predictable,” and you will most likely actually say that, unless you bite your tongue and refuse to do so, to keep me from thinking you’re predictable. Yeah, you may as well admit defeat.)

I was wondering why it hurt to type, then realized I have a sizable cut on my finger, with no recollection of how it got there. But I will nobly persevere in The Creative Process, or whatever you call this. Speaking of fingers, Alien Finger (you know, the one I inconsiderately dislocated back in May) is, I would say, at about 87% functionality, and continues to inch forward toward 90%, but not without numerous stretching sessions and occasional pain which, on a scale of 1-10, I would rate at 1. Except for handling an umbrella in the wind, which I would rate at 2.


Every business you deal with these days wants you to review it. Best of all is when they say, “Did you find this review helpful?” Do you realize you’re asking me to REVIEW A REVIEW? So here is:


–Have a real person answer the phone.

–That person should be in this country.

–Don’t let your sales be mostly “Buy One, Get One Half Price.” If it’s stuff like body wash or vitamins, it takes up twice the space in my closets, and then I forget I still had one left and go buy another one. (Hey, maybe that’s what they’re counting on!) If it’s food, it’s twice as many sandwiches as I need, because I Eat Alone.

–Stop nagging me to pay my bills online. I don’t want my bill-paying to be dependent on my internet access. Create a job and hire someone to open my envelopes, instead of expecting me to input my payment information into your computer system for you.

–When your nagging fails, don’t change your policies to make it next-to-impossible to do anything but deal with you online. Firefighter’s Credit Union and Federal Government, I’m looking at you. Such a change in policies is always called Bringing Our Customer Service Into the Twenty-First Century.

Would you believe I had a head full of ideas that were driving me insane (to quote my favorite Nobel laureate, Bob Dylan), none of which I could remember? So you got these ideas instead.