Live-Blogging: Death & Taxes and Stuff

by pjmcbride

I have written our names and Social Security numbers on the form.

Oh wait, Cat Esmerelda is yelling for me! Maybe if I ignore her she’ll go away.

Why does the IRS make us send our W2’s? They have all that information anyway. Why file at all?

“Make sure the SSN’s are correct.” No, I’m going to give you incorrect information. You are as bad as officers on the air–“Call back and get a better location.” I GAVE YOU THE BEST THAT I COULD. (Actually, that request always makes me think of the time a co-worker responded, “Johnson Place?”)

“Do you want to contribute to the Presidential Election fund?” No, I’m probably not even voting for President this time around.

I do not understand the difference between exemptions and deductions. Never have, never will.

I wonder if they care if I put an X or a check mark in the boxes. However, don’t care enough to read the instructions and find out. Perhaps they’ll audit me as a result.

“If more than six dependents, see instructions.” If more than six dependents, you’re probably broke.

Why is there a kernel of cat litter on my desk?

“Wages, salaries, tips, etc.” What would “et cetera” be, exactly? Money I found on the street?

Ooh! I have email!

“Taxable interest.” Oops, can’t find the form. I know it was a tiny helpless amount, so let’s just hope it’s below the taxable threshold. It always has been before.

Esmerelda wonders why there are papers all over my desk, and gives up trying to get in the window.

I have another email! I feel popular.

I am currently resenting Rom for being on Social Security and making me do this form instead of the EZ one. This one is not EZ. Speaking of Ez, I don’t see/hear her, but I suspect she’s right around the corner in the hall, waiting, quivering, for me to move or speak.

OK, one form says “Divide by half” and the other says “Multiply by 50%.” Which is it?…Oh.

“If you are married, filing jointly, enter $32,000.” That seems arbitrary.

“Line 10: If married, filing jointly, enter $12,000.” See, I told you it was arbitrary.

“Enter the smaller of line 9 or line 10. Enter one-half of line 12. Enter the smaller of line 2 or line 13. Multiply line 11 by 85%. Add lines 14 and 15.” OK, now they’re just facking with me. I’ll have you know that all this isn’t even the official form, it’s just a worksheet to determine if Rom’s Social Security benefits are taxable. See paragraph 15 above. Multiply by 85%.

I didn’t do the taxes while I was on vacation, because I was usually drunk. Now I need alcohol and have none.

The year before last, they sent me a note saying I’d done this worksheet wrong. IF YOU KNOW SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU DO IT YOURSELF??

Finally finished the SS part. Now resisting urge to curl up under desk. Checking to make sure Ez isn’t in her usual spot under there, in case that becomes necessary.

Rom comes in and starts playing with my hair. I CAN’T WORK UNDER THIS KIND OF PRESSURE!!

“Need more information or forms?” No, I have more information and forms than I can handle, thanks.

“Do you want the IRS to figure your tax for you?”  I burst into tears. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT WAS AN OPTION AT THE BEGINNING? SEE PARAGRAPH 2 ABOVE!! Oh wait, if I wanted that, I’d need Publication 17. They’re just teasing.

“Use the tax table to figure your tax, unless you need Form 8615.” If I needed Form 8615, I wouldn’t tell you.

Oops, looked at Earned Income Credit table, not Tax Table. Now it all makes sense! Just kidding.


…Back eons later, after dinner and Colbert.

“Check this box if you have health care coverage.” All I have to do is check a box? How do you know I’m not lying? Not that I am, of course.

Hmm, our refund is twice as much as it usually is. I await auditing.

I have the feeling most of you are in bed by now.