Why I’ll Win the Lottery
I saw an article about how winning the lottery usually ruins people’s lives. I thought I better find out why before buying a Powerball ticket.
- You end up blowing it on stupid self-destructive stuff, like a drug habit.
- You end up blowing it on “friends” who magically appear when you win it.
- Nothing in your life from here on can ever compare to the day you won the lottery.
- ACK THIS COMPUTER IS IN AUTOMATIC LIST-MAKING MODE HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP
- OK APPARENTLY I’M STUCK WITH IT SO
- I just won’t acquire any drug habits I don’t already have, which at the moment is none.
- I won’t acquire any new friends, either.
- I will hire Nick as my bodyguard to prevent anyone else from befriending me.
- Your life from here on is a letdown? That could happen with any good thing in your life, like, Nothing in my life can compare to the day of my wedding, or the day I won the Nobel Prize, or the day I crushed all my enemies.
- HOW MANY NUMBERS IS THIS DAMN THING GOING TO COUNT UP TO ANYWAY
- Naturally, Valentine’s stuff is in the stores already. I noticed a couple places don’t call it Valentine’s, but call it the Pink and Red department. I guess they found out that Valentine was a Christian saint.
- I’M SERIOUS, EVERY TIME I HIT RETURN IT DOES THIS AUTOMATICALLY
- Apparently word has gotten around that a teddy bear with a heart in it is the loser’s default gift. So CVS thought they’d class it up by offering a glass figurine of a teddy bear with a heart in it. At 2 for $10, you can get one for both of your baby mamas.
- My secret admirer could also get me a bunch of fake roses edged with scratchy glitter.
- Speaking of which, my Christmas present from Nick came in a gift bag encrusted with scratchy glitter, which promptly shed all over my carpet.
- I’m tired of my superpower of producing snot the color of emeralds.
- And my voice won’t let me get out more than 2 or 3 words–like “McChicken and small fries” or “Powerball ticket, please” without just stopping. It’s just Not There.
- OK, I didn’t actually say “please” in the above instance. Would you believe “please” was my first word? So my mother told me. (“And you’ve never said it since,” says Rom.)
- I HATE NUMBERS
- EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WIN THE LOTTERY