Nick Provides Free Entertainment, and the Annual Festival Report
…And isn’t it about time?
I was taking Nick to the Fall Festival, because the Department had decided it would be good PR to exhibit a police beast, allow children to climb on him, perhaps even take short flights. I came equipped with a switch. Before you call me inhumane, let me just say that, due to his armor-plating, it hardly hurts him at all. It’s more the idea of it that’s…motivational, because he is a prideful beast. More useful, I suspected, would be the muzzle. It’s not so much the biting I was worried about–although, of course, the possibility cannot be ruled out–but the likelihood of his making sarcastic remarks to the public.
“Making sarcastic remarks to you, you mean,” he said fretfully. “That’s really why you brought it. That’s probably why you accepted this assignment.”
“That and the overtime pay.”
“Overtime pay? What do I get out of it?”
“You get to not be whacked with this switch.”
“I could get that at home. Most of the time, anyway.”
I glance at the booth we’re walking past. “Would you like a pronto pup?”
He considers. “I think I’d rather wait until it grows up into a corn dog.”
“They don’t use real puppies, you know.”
“Then why do they also have Puppy Chow?”
I sigh and refrain from answering, because I actually don’t know what “puppy chow” is in this context, and I want him to think I know everything. At any rate, you can see why I would want to muzzle him.
WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM ABOUT NICK, WHO HATES BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ANYWAY, TO BRING YOU…
…well, nothing especially important, but it has to be said before I forget it again.
COMMERCIAL ABOUT HOW GREAT LASIK SURGERY IS:
“Now, when I wake up in unfamiliar situations, I can see everything clearly!” Um, is that a frequent problem for you? I’d settle for just being able to tell if that black fuzzy object in the shower with me is a clot of hair or a spider.
CRISIS IN PROGRESS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
If you get thrown out of the Fall Festival by the police because, by your own admission, you were “acting like a jackass,” don’t keep calling 911 to complain about it, because guess what happens? Hint: You’ll only be allowed one phone call, and I recommend it not be to 911.
AND SPEAKING OF SAID FESTIVAL…
When you say, “I like to go for the people-watching!” just remember, YOU ARE SOMEBODY ELSE’S FREAKSHOW. I’m sure I am, as in, “Look at that old lady with the snake tattoo and the crucifix!” Actually, at the moment I am riding a wave of fashionability, since my rose-print tops, longish skirts, and virgin eyebrows (be it here known that no hair on my body ever gets torn out by the roots) are currently considered edgy and cool. In another 6 months, the proper authorities will be saying, “We must have been mad! All that stuff is actually frumpy, dowdy, and sloppy!” Again. Meanwhile, I will still be wearing it. This is called “having a personal style.”
And speaking of the festival some more, a guy behind me in line said to his friend, “Last year, we were down here from 3 to 11pm!” And they say I don’t have a life.