Just Like Old Times

by pjmcbride

I’m feeling quite inspired; let’s see what pops up.


–commercial for Denorex: “My doctor recommended a medicated shampoo” in place of Head and Shoulders. Um, Head and Shoulders is medicated. Otherwise it would be just, you know, shampoo.

–commercial for a prescription acne medication: “May lead to watery, bloody diarrhea, which may cause death.” I believe I’d prefer acne.

Thornton’s tells us: “Did you know our fountain drinks are chilled to a tongue-tingling 37 degrees? And that we use only pure filtered water?” You know, I’m betting government regulations require that.


More magazine has an article on small lifestyle changes that can lead to weight loss. Some of these are mind games, like keeping your toaster in the cupboard, in the hope that you’ll think it’s too much trouble to make a piece of toast. (My feeling on toast: Why would I want bread to be dried-out and burnt?) But some of these changes are not small, like redecorating your kitchen to reduce stress. “Use soothing colors, like light sage green, mellow yellow, and peach.” Sounds like a color scheme for the walls of an institution that’s trying not to look institutional. Perhaps that’s the point. “Curving lines are calming–use rounded edges for tables and counters.” See above. I wish the whole world had soothing colors and rounded edges. For one thing, I’d have fewer bruises from bumping into things. “Use aromatherapy–peppermint lotion to energize you for exercise, and vanilla and lavender to relax afterward.” Now I am all about aromatherapy, but that particular prescription seems a bit manic/depressive to me. Better scented lotions than stimulant/depressive drugs, I suppose.

They also quote a study which found that when you go to a restaurant, sitting in a corner or next to a wall (as my Rules of Engagement require) leads you to order higher-calorie foods. On the other hand, sitting next to a window makes you more likely to order vegetables or salad, because you think passersby are checking out what you’re eating. The next-best choice is out in the middle of the restaurant, because you’re surrounded by people, who apparently ARE ALL WATCHING YOU EAT. Actually, the thought that other people notice what I order in a restaurant never even occurred to me. So if you’re thinking, “She ordered that fish sandwich without tartar sauce, how gross,” just keep it to yourself. In fact, if you don’t know me, keep all your opinions about me to yourself. You’d be surprised how hard that is for some people. (“Did you know that people stare at you all the time?” Nick asked me once. He was trying to be helpful, I suppose.)