Better Living Through Advertising

by pjmcbride

While zeroing in on a coupon for the toilet paper we use, I noted that the accompanying ad said something like “Now With Design That Gives the Best Clean!” Now, I was not aware that the designs on toilet paper served more than a decorative purpose. But now that I do know, I’ll be looking out for the best one! It currently has roses and hearts on it. I’m proud that my favorite flowers are featured even on my toilet paper, but I will not let the roses in my yard know about it, since they are thorny and temperamental.


…because you gotta read something.

“Our latest McCafe treat, with mocha and a hint of coffee!” Call me a dumbass (Nick backs away, shaking his head), but I thought mocha was coffee.

The fine print at the bottom of said placemat said, “Summer Disrupter 2015.” That seems an odd choice of words. “Disrupt your summer–buy some lemonade!”


We really do.

From Nikki the Tragically Hip–“Cuss me out if it’ll make you feel better, but you still can’t report something stolen that isn’t yours.”

I request that you not cuss me out if it’ll make you feel better. Being someone’s venting target quickly becomes tiresome. For instance, I did not make this county’s unreasonably liberal fireworks laws.

–“There’s someone sitting on my neighbor’s back porch with a bicycle and a black cape.” Can’t Batman get a day off?

The thought occurs–what is the function of superheroes’ capes, anyway? I don’t think Batman can fly, and I believe Superman could fly even if he didn’t have a cape.

When I first got to work, I kept thinking I felt something crawling around under my shirt. But you tell yourself you’re  imagining it, or that it’s just a loose hair, UNTIL A GREEN BEETLE MAKES ITS APPEARANCE. This caused me to let out a small “yip” on the phone. Luckily, it was a butt dial (words I never thought I’d say–“Luckily, it was a butt dial”), so I spared someone from calling 911 and hearing the 911 operator scream. “IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE MY SHIRT!” “I thought I had an emergency, but take all the time with that beetle you need.”