Prodded With a Sharp Stick
The computer says “Suggested Sites: Add New Post–Scratchy Glitter,” so I feel obliged.
Responses are coming in for the Party of a Lifetime~
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”–L.K.
“I feel honored to be invited.”–T.R.
“I wouldn’t dare miss it.”–N.C.
What to wear, what to wear? It must make me look super-cool, yet be comfortable when I’m nervous, yet not be destroyed if I spill my drink on it. Similar to the Fall Festival wardrobe requirements, come to think of it.
–You know that hearing-test kind of noise you get in your ear sometimes? I read that it means that a cell in your ear is dying. At the rate I’ve been having those lately, I will have to retire early due to deafness.
“My name is–WHAT?–my name is–WHO? Slim Shady!”
CRISIS IN PROGRESS–HEARD AND OVERHEARD
–“Next time your landlord walks into your apartment naked, you should call the police.”
Her: “My ex-husband has my wedding ring, and the police need to go and take it from him and put it in safekeeping.”
Me: “Ma’am, they can’t do that.”
Her: “But they have to, because it’s got a really bad curse on it.”
The curse turned out to be that anyone who puts it on becomes a serial killer.
Speaking of curses, may one be upon a Certain Person for thinking she could buy Nick’s love (or whatever it is that he feels) with tacos. It can only be bought with chocolate.
A CALL I’VE HAD COUNTLESS TIMES
“I want the police to make someone leave my apartment.”
“Do they live there?”
“They’ve been…staying here.”
“Then it’s considered their residence, and the police can’t make them leave. They’ll have to be evicted.”
“But they’re not on the lease.” Check!
“Does your landlord know you’ve been letting someone stay there who’s not on the lease?” And Mate! Especially when they realize the landlord is the one who’ll have to file eviction proceedings.
The “They’ve been staying here” argument is similar to the invariable answer to “How do you know the people at this address are doing drugs?” The answer is always, “I just know.”
MYSTERIES OF MARKETING
McDonald’s has trademarked “Mickey D’s.” What’s next, trademarking “Tar-jay”? And speaking of which, how exactly does “Mickey D’s Sweet Tea” differ from just tea that you put sugar in?
AN ARTICLE YOU DON’T WANT TO READ
“Insights Into the Saliva of the Brown Marmolated Stink Bug.” And why was I googling that? You don’t want to know that, either.