Once Upon a Time…

by pjmcbride


…to the estate of MY BLUE HEAVEN, on ye Weste Side, by NICHOLAS ALAN, a laidly WYRM of fearsome aspect and underparts of dazzling whitenesse. The said BEASTE was accompanied by his trusty servant TUCKER, a dogge of brindle coat and cheerful demeanor, but without much of sense.

“Where are the COOKIES of which I heard tell?” the said Nick roared. “I would have them for dessert, for I have eaten many frogges.” But all was silent within. “Tucker,” said Nick to his faithful companion, “thou must go within and fetch the cookies in my stead, for I cannot breathe fire, and have not even a stinger on the end of my tayle.”

The said dogge then pushed the door open, to the shock and awe of all within. But he was repelled by the mighty GLAMOUR, a catte known far and wide (“especially wide,” Esmerelda whispers) as the Empress Calicula the First. The Empress emerged from the dark recesses to do battle, with blazing eyes and a tayle like to a brush used for cleaning bottles. (Esmerelda, ye Catte of Service, remained within the dark recesses, discretion being the better part of valor in her eyes.) (“And her eyes be slightly crossed,” the noble Empress reminds us.) (The Empress reminds us also that Esmerelda, like her Disney namesake, cannot be called a Princess, because of her questionable background.)

{Disclaimer: No animals were injured in the course of this story. If any had been, Nick would be in big trouble. And would have had to leave without cookies.} {Go away, or I will taunt you again!} {stolen from Monty Python}

{Other Disclaimer: The style of this tayle, I mean tale, was pretty much stolen from an episode of Cat Town [www.spatch.net], but since the site hasn’t been updated since May ’05, I doubt he’s paying attention.}


(stolen from Eminem, because I’m in a mood)

…because I just can’t be eradicated completely.


–At McDonalds: “But I just cleaned the ladies’ room an hour ago!”

–At Walgreen’s: “Someone locked the bathroom stall door and then crawled out, so now no one can get in.”

–Also at Walgreen’s, manager speaking to another employee: “It depends on whether they have a better soda ad than we do. Across the street”–cocking head in direction of CVS–“they’re having a sale on Pepsi products next week.” I was tickled both by CORPORATE ESPIONAGE–how did a manager at Walgreen’s know what CVS will be putting on sale next week?–and by the euphemism “Across the Street” for their corporate rival. The Store Which Is Not To Be Named.


–A woman in tiny shorts and top which showed off her great big swastika tattoo.