Everyone, Hatred Of

by pjmcbride


Apparently our union contract states that, if no one wants the overtime, it goes to the person highest in seniority. What I want to know is, what would they do if I didn’t answer the door? The fact that this has never happened in these 28-30 years is a testament to, well, something. I’m not terribly alert at the moment, and don’t have access to all my vocabulary. I went to bed at my usual time of 0340–I don’t go to bed early just in case I get forced in to work. For some reason, this possibility doesn’t enter into my calculations. And this involuntary schedule change means that Nick won’t be getting the brownies I promised him, so he will now prowl about seeking the ruin of souls.

I’m tired of calls that begin, “I need–” Yeah, well I need to be home in bed. What about my needs?

Or that begin, “I don’t have an emergency, but I tried all the other numbers, and nobody knew the answer.” Um, this is Emergency Services, not All the Answers. “The signs here say no parking–does that apply to every day of the week?” I nobly resisted the urge to say, “How the hell should I know?” but really–how should I know? I told her I assumed it meant whatever it said on the sign. “But who would know for sure?” How about letting common sense be your guide, instead of trying to weasel your way into parking in a no-parking zone? “Officer, the 911 lady said I could park here!”

The optimal temperature for operating a PC is 73 degrees. I have this on good authority.

Why would you name your daughter “Vanity”?

“The patient is elderly–57 years old.” Ahem.

“He basically poked out my eyeball.” By which you mean, he didn’t actually poke it out.

A jolly old  man just wished me “Merry Christmas” for giving him the number to the jail.

Did you know that everyone named “Sharona” in this town was born in the 80’s?

73 degrees notwithstanding, there is now an icy wind blowing on me from the vent that feels like it’s being piped in directly from outside.

If you’re calling to report your husband is arguing with you, the first words out of your mouth should not be “I had hip surgery” or “I’m pregnant.”

–“I don’t know the law. I need advice.”

–“We can’t give legal advice.”

–“Would it be legal to get my grandmother’s stuff out of a house where someone just died? The other family is already there doing it.”

–“You need to call an attorney.”

–“So if they take all my stuff out, there’s nothing I can do about it?”

–“You can call an attorney, like I just told you.”

Nick, come out here and kill me now.