Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Incisive Social Criticism and Stuff

I knew I should have waited until after watching TV before posting, because now I’ve got–

NEW PRODUCT NEWS!

What the World Has Been Waiting For: There’s now a wristband that you can program with your personal fitness goals, and if you don’t fulfill those goals, it GIVES YOU AN ELECTRIC SHOCK. You heard that right–it’s like a taser you use on yourself! Not only does it shock you, it DEDUCTS MONEY FROM YOUR ACCOUNT (and where does that money go? to the manufacturer? to charity? to that retirement account you’ve been having trouble saving for?), and POSTS ON FACEBOOK “I didn’t go to the gym today.” But why stop with fitness? I’ve been battling the forces of inertia all my life, and so I could have “I didn’t clean out the closet today,” “I didn’t work on my novel today”–the possibilities are endless! Soon I would be sore, broke, and afraid to get on Facebook. But what about shocking other people?? Hey, Nick, I have a bracelet for you…

AND SPEAKING OF DIETING…

Some fast-food place is advertising bologna-and-Velveeta breakfast biscuits. Really?? Velveeta is what they put on cheeseburgers in Hell.

THIS JUST IN…

Fiona, who is still 3, informs us that Bingo Pingo does live in the woods, but not in some primitive hollow tree. He lives in a house.

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Crisis in Progress: Welcome to the Soft Parade

BREAKING BATMAN

“Suspect took numerous items from Walmart, is preparing to leave on a yellow scooter. Suspect is wearing a lime green t-shirt with a Batman emblem on it.”

CRISIS IN PROGRESS, IN PROGRESS

“Subjects about to fight. Caller said a male said that a female said she had a gun in a bag. The female also hit the male with a small bat.”

So that makes 2 bat-related runs.

We distinctly heard the sounds of Super Mario in the background of one officer’s transmission. Must have been one of those video-arcade brawls. By the way, Your Humble Narrator and husband used to do the video-arcade crawl on the streets of Columbia, Missouri in the 80’s. Basically, it’s what I did instead of studying. We won’t get into what I did instead of studying the first time around, in the 70’s.

…and, 2 rookie dispatchers were overheard talking about what fun their ridealongs had been. Go ahead, Nick, sell it. Tell me about how you’ll show me a good time. And buy me dinner and stuff.

Time for the Colbert Report, kthnxbye!

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