I Am the One You Warned Me Of

by pjmcbride

…title from Blue Oyster Cult, because…well, just because. Don’t think about it.


It turned out I was smart not to get in the pool (well, it’s always smart not to get into a pool fully-dressed, I guess), because Fiona (who is 3, remember) proudly told Grandpa Rom “I peed in the pool!” She claimed that Momma told her it was alright to do so. This story did not check out. What’s next–Bingo Pingo isn’t real? Seriously (as if I’m ever not serious), I suspect that, since in potty training you’re instructed to pee into a pool of water, she figured peeing in water is the thing to do, regardless of setting.

She also informed us that Momma, Daddy, and her twin brother Archer (no, they’re not identical twins) are actually her second family. Her first family was killed by a big bad wolf. I used to think up stories that my Daddy wasn’t my real father. I turned out to be right. THIS JUST IN: Archer advises us that everyone in the world is in his family except Chuck Norris.

(digression–How the Human Mind Works)

…Well, how my mind works, anyway (trying to avoid inflated claims)–I would have been willing to enter the pool in spite of the possibility of it containing toddler urine–as long as that possibility was not confirmed. But if I’d actually heard the words, “Pa, I peed in the pool!” I’d have been out of there like a shot. Perhaps because I have no children (that I know of), it’s hard for me to be philosophical about these things. Of course, my brother-in-law the Lucky Old Man, who has produced offspring, refused to get into a pool that was “full of baby pee,” and his wife, Sister Elizabeth, responded, “Well, it’s probably not full.”


The possibility has been raised that everyone at Dispatch chip in to buy a Certain Person a pair of stiletto heels with skulls on them. We are willing to make this sacrifice for the entertainment value of watching her attempt to walk on them. Of course, if she did so, the services of 911 might be required.


Y’all may remember in 1984, when the government would reduce the chocolate rations, then later say “The chocolate rations have been increased!” and neglect to mention that they’d previously been reduced, so you’d think it was a net gain? The same thing has been done with Hanes underwear. They started using elastic that was so cheap and scratchy, it made me consider switching to the expensive stuff. Then they started having packages saying “Now even softer!” You know, going back to the elastic they were using originally.

You know, not every blogger lets you know what kind of underwear they wear. I expect to be hearing from the Hanes legal department shortly.

WE INTERRUPT OUR BROADCAST TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN (in real time, with industry-standard 2-second delay)

Glancing casually at the schedule, notice one of my colleagues is listed on a special detail. Idly curious, checking further…”EPD Ride-along.” Start scanning frantically–there’s another one! There was no email about this…! Wait–aren’t those two at the bottom of the seniority list? Jumping up to check, verify that they are. OK, must have just been that they hadn’t been scheduled earlier in their training (a requirement Your Humble Narrator was mercifully grandmothered in without, like the psychological test {and I assure you the said Humble Narrator could not pass any psych test devised by man}). Bullet dodged. My hands should stop shaking soon.