Parallel Universe Blues

by pjmcbride

What if we lived in a world in which 52% of all 911 calls weren’t cell phone hangups? “World Leader,” they ask, “how may such a world be brought about?” I don’t know, FanBase. I just don’t know.

T-shirt on co-worker: “Live Life On Purpose.” But how can I, when my very existence is accidental?


–Needing to pee.

–Death investigations.

–Nick’s driving.

–Whatever else he’s planning that I can’t even imagine.

Rom asked, “Doesn’t Nick mind being written about as a beast?”  Well, what if he does? He is as God made him. But, lest you think my relentless media spotlight is inhumane, I assure you that Nick is a sort of black hole, sucking up all the attention available. And he has honored me with his friendship. Unless we go on a ridealong, and I end up hating him.


“I need the police because I let my daughter’s boyfriend stay with us, and he got mad at me because I gave their baby a bath, because he said that could wait till tomorrow, and I said that’s not happening in my house, so he got in my face and shoved me against the wall, so I punched him in the face, and he ran out the door. And he has warrants in Kentucky.”

–Alright, class, list all the points at which a wrong decision was made.