Le Marche Futile

by pjmcbride

…it’s what they call Crisis in Progress in France.

–Report of a man taking off his clothes and lying down on a pile of dirt. Sometimes it’s just one of those days.

–When you’re calling 911, make sure you hang up before saying, “They asked for my name, and I gave them a fake name!” Then, when the officer got there, she forgot how to spell her fake name.

–Speaking of hanging up, a colleague counted up her calls last shift and calculated that 40% of them were cellphone hangups. In case you were wondering just how big a waste of our time that is. WHY?? Why does no one ever acquire a clue? The next time someone laughs and says, “Oh, I must’ve butt-dialed ya,” I’m going to say, “Apparently your butt is smarter than you are.”

–Be it noted that the fire department does not fix broken elevators, nor does it “make” someone else do so.

And speaking of fire, this week’s ERRAND OF MERCY award goes to none other than Nick, who came speeding to the rescue with soothing ointment when a dispatcher burned her hand. See, he isn’t really mean. Sure, he tried to tell me the injury was caused by his breathing fire. But he has no powers that I do not grant him.

“See, you’re the one who’s mean!” he exclaims, burrowing under my porch–no wonder it’s crumbling into dust! Since he can’t see me, he thinks I can’t see him, even though his tail is sticking out.

“Could you eat any slugs you find under there?” I ask. “They’ve been mating on my door and getting slime all over the screen.”

Since I’m not supposed to know he’s under there, he ignores me. I resist the urge to tweak his tail.


Sometimes someone calls wanting to make a Dramatic Speech, and there’s just no stopping them. As in, “I saw car #XYZ just sitting on the corner, even though I drove by three times! I pay him to patrol the city, not DO NOTHING!” I started to explain that the car number he gave was a take-home car, and that officer was most likely off-duty, but he’d already hung up.

The above comments do not reflect the opinions of anyone other than myself. As far as I know.