Life Ain’t Easy
—brought to you by COMPUTER KEYBOARD, enabling the dumb to communicate since 1990!
CRISIS NARROWLY AVERTED
I HATE NECKLACE CLASPS. (I also hate bracelet clasps, but that’s a subject for another day.) I’d planned and put on my entire outfit for the day, unto the necklace thereof. Once at the bus stop, I realized I’d put it on backwards. So I had to take it off, try to wrestle the tiny claspy thing back on, fail, try again once I reached Phillips and could use the mirror in the restroom, fail, try again once I got to work (after consuming a snack by the side of the road on a bus stop bench–pretty sure there’s not a law against that), fail, try again on my break, and finally succeed! So that thing they tell you about “If at first you don’t succeed, panic” is true! Now, if you’re saying to yourself, “Poor thing, sux to be you,” you don’t know the half of it. So I’ll tell you the other half. (As the other old saying goes, “The best way to make a long story short is not to tell me.” I think that at least once a day.) HAD I NOT SUCCEEDED at solving the Case of the Opal Pendant, I would have felt vaguely ill at ease for the rest of the day, and had to replicate the entire outfit, with corrected necklace, at my earliest opportunity, which wouldn’t be until after I’d done the laundry next week. So you can see what’s at stake here.
Speaking of the bisexual restroom at Phillips, WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT FLUSHING THE F*CKING URINAL?!? Are you so giddy with being able to pee standing up that having to pull a lever as well is JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK? You are being made to look bad by the homeless person reported today, who at least kept a roll of toilet paper with him in the bushes.
SMART MOVE DEPT.
You’re reporting vicious dogs are running loose, attacking your neighbors’ dogs. So what do you do? Let your own dog out to join the fun, of course!
OFFICERS OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO…
…the comedy team of Nick & Sam. They assisted on an ambulance run in which the patient possessed 23 grams of a substance labeled “POISON–NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.” So Nick promptly ate it. This is just one of the public services he provides, the other being sarcasm.