Nobody’s Fault But Mine

by pjmcbride

I left the house in a hurry today–as much of a hurry as I could muster, as my driveway has frozen into a river of glass, with a tributary extending up my front walk. But I was getting a ride, so I quickly collected my stuff, got to my destination, stuck my hand in my pocket and…discovered I forgot my phone. Not that anyone ever calls me–the phone functions mostly as a walkie-talkie between me and Rom–but not having it means that I don’t know what time it is, since I’m one of those modern tech-savvy individuals who no longer wears a watch. (I was glad to give up watch-wearing, because the feel of something rubbing against my wrists {or ankles, or cuticles} is extremely irritating.)

Oh well, I thought, there are clocks between here and there (“here” and “there” being, respectively, McDonald’s and the bus stop). So I finished my lunch (and there is nothing more gross than underdone McNuggets–I actually bought another sandwich to eat, without complaining, lest they ask me to define “underdone” in this context), stuck my hand in my other pocket and…discovered I’d forgotten my gloves, which I’d left on the table at home to dry after being out yesterday. And it was 29 degrees out, and decidedly raw.

Well, I thought, I will just get more at Walgreen’s, since the thought of being out all afternoon without was disheartening, to say the least.

I cornered a manager and inquired where gloves were to be found. “If we still have any, they’re in the clearance section.” Oh no! What if there aren’t any? Luckily, there were many. I devoted as much time to my final selection as if it didn’t involve a piece of cheap crap I’d probably only wear once before forgetting I owned them.

After picking up many other items (yet more decisions to be carefully made–Could I pull off crimson lip gloss? Would pale pink nail polish go on streaky? Hey, live dangerously! They have a generous return policy!), I paid for said items and headed for Thornton’s. I was overheated from being in the store so long and making such momentous decisions, so I didn’t bother with gloves until after I’d bought my fountain drink. I reached into my bag and pulled out my new gloves…and discovered that THEY WERE ATTACHED TOGETHER BY ONE OF THOSE UNBREAKABLE PLASTIC THINGIES, AND I HAD NOTHING TO CUT IT WITH. I could just imagine Nick laughing at this point. (And at this point, I’d remind him of the quart of water spilled on the floor of the squad car, not to mention the Case of the Missing Handcuffs.)

I trudged back to Walgreen’s, cursing quietly. I figured I’d say, “I just bought these gloves–look, I have the receipt!–and do you have a scissors?” But there was a long-ass line, and one of the people ahead of me wanted to argue about an expired coupon, and the other one was getting ready to pay with a check that he hadn’t filled out yet, and a woman in the other line glared at me like “Don’t even think about cutting in here,” and time was a wastin’ before the bus got here.

So I trudged to the bus stop in the hellish cold, cursing all the way. The woman already waiting at the stop didn’t even feel she needed a winter coat, for some reason. One can only assume that drugs were involved. I set my stuff down so I could stuff  my hands in my pockets, and wondered where was a squad car when I needed one. Trust me, if Nick & Sam had pulled up, I would not have mentioned my desperately glove-less state, or who knows what he might have done. Because he’s just That Way.

I stopped off at the $ General, there being a crying need of toilet paper at my establishment. Got home, pondered how best to approach the house–see River of Glass notation above–decided my arms were too full for the degree of balance one wants to have in situations such as this, decided to chuck the package of toilet paper up on the porch. Missed by a mile, it landed in the middle of the ice floe, and I had to lean dangerously over the slicker-than-snot guard rail (ironically, more dangerous at this point than not using a guard rail at all) to retrieve it. I considered leaving it there until the next thaw.

So I’m stuck with a pair of cheap gloves I’ll probably never wear–but hey! Generous return policy!

I hope today is the last really cold day.

Scratchy Glitter–writing more about less than anyone who’s not being paid by the word!