Tales From the Polar Vortex

by pjmcbride

…by which I mean Dispatch. The supervisor said, “Wonder what will happen when I turn this control to ‘Heat’?” The 911 Hangup Killer (rap name: 911HK) answered, “The heat will come on. That’s what happens at my house.” IT WAS DOWN TO 60 DEGREES IN THERE; IT’S JANUARY–WHY DO WE HAVE THE A/C ON? And I better not hear anyone say, “Because of the computers,” either. Computers exist for people, not people for computers, to paraphrase Jesus.

Speaking of rap names, an officer sent me a message saying, “So how’s PMac doing?” Is that what they call me? Well?


“I’m armed, so I can be immature if I want.”–Nick

I refrained from uttering the first response that came to mind, since he’d already described me as being a source of “razor-edged remarks that hurt for days,” and I didn’t want to add to his scars.

A guy who called 911 said, “I might kill myself literally or metaphorically.” How does one kill oneself metaphorically? At least he understood the correct use of “literally.”


Believe me, this could become a regular feature, drawing on my lifelong (yes! I got my first public-sector job when I was 22!) career in government service.

Anyway, we have a guy whose first name is Sir. See, that way people call him Sir all the time. I’m sure that’s what his parents had in mind. But I think my favorite will always be a woman named Tarantula Shelette McGuire, who I can make fun of with impunity because she left town.


Reference the I-wanna-hold-your-hand incident–Everything is awkward for me, therefore nothing is, once I’m sufficiently provoked. And why didn’t I change the channel when Family Guy was on? Because I’m nervous about dealing with strange remotes, OK? I don’t even do too well with the ones at home.