Don’t Hand Me No Lines, and Keep Your Hands to Yourself

by pjmcbride

…I just felt like saying that. Watching “Justified” has made me want to acquire a romantic hillbilly accent, which I haven’t managed to do after living here for 30 years. Gotta love that Boyd Crowder–you’ve got to, or he’ll blow you up! After praying for you, of course.

Speaking of justified, how do I justify 3 posts in 1 day, when I haven’t posted for, like, 10 days previously? I don’t! That’s the beauty of not being paid!

Regardless, I sit here before you with my nails painted an appealing dried-blood shade. No, I won’t be checking obsessively for chips every 3 minutes. Why would you ask such a thing?

Irregardless, it was with unpainted nails that I stalked into Thornton’s today, only to be met with (cue creepy music), Nick and Sam (creepy music cuts off as the audience realizes no actual suspense is forthcoming). My observations on today’s event are twofold:

1. It’s so gratifying the way his ears prick up and he gets all tense when he spots me. Wait…you mean he does that whenever he catches sight of prey?

2. “You’ll have to ask me if you want a ride home,” he said, putting me in an uncomfortable quandary, until Sam saved the day by asking me if I wanted one, thereby following the ancient practice of Ho’s Before Bro’s. (And yes, I am uncertain of the correct punctuation there.) He started spluttering at her in indignation, but I got said ride regardless. Irregardless. Now I’m getting flustrated.

OK, threefold:

3. Speaking of the undermining of right order, his owner chided me and Sam for treating him with excessive respect, which is making him hard to manage at home. However, he blushingly (yes! it happens!) told the story of how their romance started–something about getting his ass whupped, was that it?–so she has no serious concerns there.

Make that fourfold:

4. After lecturing me on how fresh water should be made available at all times for a beast such as himself, he proceeded to spill said water on the floor of the squad car. Apparently fresh kitty litter should also be made available.


Surprise! See, it was suspenseful after all.

After the recent flirtation with sub-zero temperatures, water-line breaks sprouted like flowers after the rain. {Mixed-media cliches a specialty!} The water department has made a water-conservation request, to help avoid the possibility of a boil order. Their request on Facebook was promptly inundated (to use appropriate flood-related imagery) with people saying, “I’m paying for it, I can use as much as I want!” Can we say, um, short-sighted? Firstly, you use less, you pay less, right? But, more importantly, by “using as much as you want,” you’re not only taking the limited supply away from other people, you’re taking your own future supply as well! It’s like the executives running companies who pollute the air because, I guess, they have their own private air supply. As the Talking Heads once said,

“On the first day, we had everything we wanted, and what a day it was!

On the next day, there was nothing left at all, and what a day that was!”