Reasons Your Dispatcher Is Freaking Out

by pjmcbride

A parametric plot of a Möbius strip

A parametric plot of a Möbius strip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The idea for this post is stolen from, I mean inspired by, Nick. But I can steal from a cop with impunity because I am at home, and he once said to me that “Nothing you are capable of providing could lure me to your lair.” Leaving the question of my capabilities aside, this is a hurtful thing to say to someone who wouldn’t harm a hair on his head, once I got him chained up and dragged in here.  Nevertheless, he does have a dread fascination with said lair, so maybe I need to plant spiny rosebushes in front of all my windows, not just two of them. The more rosebushes in the world, the better, as far as I’m concerned.

The idea is also stolen from my stepdaughter, who posted this list which she stole from someone else: because it reminded her of her own two-year-old son. And I passed it on to Nick, who happens to have a three-year-old son, and he then said he might compile a similar list for dispatchers, since he used to be one before we threw him out.

OK, do you feel like you’re listening to an Academy Awards thanks-giving speech yet? N-E-WAY, here goes:

1. The room is too hot. Or too cold. Or the windows are closed, so it’s stuffy. Or the windows are open, and you’re allergic to everything out there.

2. The lights are too bright, and it’s giving you a headache. Or too dim, ditto.

3. Your co-worker won’t stop talking.

4. Your co-worker won’t listen to you.

5. Officer identifies self on radio merely as “2-0,” when there are three different cars with radio numbers ending with those digits.

6. A pursuit is initiated by officer incoherent with excitement. Sergeant orders discontinuation of pursuit, and everyone involved  pretends they have radio trouble and are unable to hear the order.

7. You are the fire dispatcher, and a co-worker yells “Fire run!” when you’re across the room from your console.

8. You are the fire dispatcher, and a co-worker pretends there is a fire run when you’re across the room from your console.

9. After 3 hours of silence in the room, you take a bite of food, and someone immediately calls.

10. This happens five hundred more times.

11. Even though this happens five hundred times every day, you still can’t manage to lose weight.

12. The elastic band in your jacket cuff has twisted itself into a Moebius strip, and the edge is digging into your wrist, and you can’t manage to straighten it out. Oh, wait, that’s just why I might be freaking out.

Satisfied, Nick? If you think you can write a better one, send it to me, and I promise to publish it.