I Am the Carpet Queen, I Can Do Anything

by pjmcbride

carpet store kitty

carpet store kitty (Photo credit: Kate Raynes-Goldie)

Remember my prophetic powers connected with the new carpet in the Franklin professional building? Of course you do! Anyway, when I got back to work, I thought, They ought to change the carpet in here, too. It’s light-colored and covered with stains of unknown origin. Well, GUESS WHAT? New carpet in progress, and so dark that it would hide bloodstains! Not that there’d ever be any, you understand. No, really. Anyway, what I’m getting at is, my powers are apparently limitless, as long as they have something to do with carpet. So come to me with all your carpet-related requests and concerns. And bring cash.

…and speaking of cash, I had an adventure on the way to work today. Remember the time I forgot my drink at Phillips, and Nick saved the day? (Don’t say “as usual,” Nick, that’s so unbecoming.) Well, of course you do! This time, I forgot to zip my backpack pocket back up after replacing my billfold. I didn’t discover this until I got to Marx BBQ, which is almost to work. So I had to go rushing back downhill, scanning the sidewalk all the way, and went charging back into Phillips, where the clerk happily informed me that a guy had found it on the lot and turned it in, and she knew it was me right away from my I.D. card, which is disheartening, because it’s a very unflattering picture. I pried it open, and all was intact–the cash Rom had gotten at the ATM today, my ATM card, and everything. So a big Scratchy Glitter THANK YOU to the honest man who found it (who is, I am sure, a regular reader here, as all good people should be), and to the clerk as well. She probably gets paid minimum wage, and it would have been easy to help herself to a couple bills and then claim it was that way when she got it. (And what does it say about me that the possibility occurred to me, even though I’d never actually do it?) And it’s not like it’s the first time I forgot to zip that sucker back up. And it’s not like I think, What the hell, live dangerously. (I never think that.) I’m always thinking, One of these days you’re going to lose your billfold, and then what? Proof that you don’t need an advanced degree, or indeed any degree, to be an absent-minded professor.

Now that I’ve proven my fitness to comment on just about anything (especially carpet), let’s move on to


…which is what I was going to write about before all that unpleasantness transpired.

As I keep reminding you, I’ve been here a long time. And we used to be able to have a storm without getting a whole bunch of calls of drivers stuck in high water who needed to be rescued. Why is that? I asked myself. And I answered myself, it’s because WE DIDN’T HAVE CELL PHONES, SO EVERY FOOL WHO TRIED TO DRIVE THROUGH THE WATER, PLUS EVERY PERSON WHO SEES THEM, COULD CALL IN TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR OWN FOOLISHNESS. {See, I was a fool in the previous paragraph, and I didn’t call 911! Because it’s full of people who would laugh at me.} And, like cell phone hangups, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? WHY IS THERE A NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT, UNLIKE OTHERS, THEY ARE ABLE TO DRIVE THROUGH HIGH WATER WITHOUT INCIDENT? And then, adding the proverbial insult to the proverbial injury, we get calls of “You need to get barricades out here, people keep trying to drive through the water.” Leaving aside the fact that the water often goes back down by the time barricades can get there, why do we then have, “You need to get someone out here, people are moving the barricades”? WHY DO YOU THINK THE BARRICADES ARE THERE? DO YOU FIGURE THEY DON’T APPLY TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR MAGICAL POWERS IN YOUR ENCHANTED VEHICLE? And then we get, “You need an officer out here to direct traffic. The traffic lights are out and there’s going to be a wreck.” IT’S A 4-WAY STOP THEN, PEOPLE! I KNOW THAT, AND I DON’T EVEN DRIVE!

OK, that’s all the ranting a FanBase should be expected to put up with.

One of the crazy people who call in here regularly just called and said, “Since the government is shut down, I”m stepping in. I have territory in Arizona that I’ll deed to the U.S. government.” This information was filed in the Consider the Source category.

Dear colleagues, if Nick comes pounding on the door, don’t let him in. Something about me calling him a liar, you don’t need to know the details. And the carpet hasn’t been changed in this room yet, so, you know, we don’t want to make a mess.