The Conspiracy Comes To McDonald’s
…but first, let’s clear something up. After interrogating Nick, using, um, approved methods, I determined that he is only guilty of low treason and misdemeanor $hit disturbing (which, I believe, is what he got his Boy Scout merit badge in). I suppose it’s unreasonable to expect a beast not to act in a bestial manner, but I am the Cop Whisperer, and I expect to have him tamed before I retire. And that’s probably when I’ll tell the story that started all this, because it kinda puts me in a bad light (though that’s never stopped me before). Anyway, he has been pardoned, and reinstated as Director of Security, and not a moment too soon, because the dangerous time is approaching when the Baby Corn will be replaced by the Union Suit. In fact, from September 1st until the autumnal equinox, they will both be active.
There is more than one kind of $hit, of course, and the ability to bull$hit starts early, as was proven today at McDonald’s. A little boy was telling his little brother the foods you can get at the Fall Festival. “There’s hamburgers, and hot dogs, and corn dogs, and corn burgers.” “Corn burgers?” said his brother. “I never heard of those.” “Yeah, they’re like corn dogs, except they’re burgers, with that corn on the outside.” I was actually beginning to think that was an actual item on a menu somewhere. For a suspicious person, I’m pretty gullible. (Don’t say a word, Nick. NOT. ONE. WORD.) But the kid then said, “No, I made that up. Someone should invent it, though.” Then I went and got a dip cone, which made the littler brother say, “I want an ice cream cone covered in chocolate,” and his brother said, “What?” and he said “I want an ice cream cone covered in chocolate!” “What?” “I WANT AN ICE CREAM CONE COVERED IN CHOCOLATE” “WHAT?” until I wanted to knock their heads together.
It just occurred to me–CORN WAS MENTIONED AT MCDONALD’S! Watch for Cornburgers to appear on the menu, promoted by Mayor McCorn. Be very afraid.
DID YOU KNOW? If you leave a police officer out in the rain, his Kevlar vest will become soaked, and cause a painful rash. I have it on very good authority! Striking at the soft white underbelly of the law, as it were.
DID YOU KNOW? A town in Alabama has a giant statue of a boll weevil being held up on a platter. Nothing should have a head as small as those things do. It’s just wrong.
Speaking of the will to annoy (weevils and their small heads annoy me–OK, if I have to explain a segue, I’m not writing very well), Happy Birthday to our own Certain Person. May you find someone to give you a back rub, because you know I’m not going to.