It’s Only Words

by pjmcbride

Original caption: "Division of Communicat...

Original caption: “Division of Communications & Records. 911 Emergency Control Center.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I should be helping clean up the house for tomorrow’s G-rated but very noisy party (the cutest kids! the best BBQ! a couple of cats hiding out in the bedroom, with me joining them frequently!), but I’m procrastinating because I know it will involve cobwebs, probably filled with venomous cobs. My keeper, Rom, suggested yesterday that I write a post on Dispatch slogans (things memorably/regularly said), so I’ll do that instead.

Rom himself said yesterday, “There is no justice in writing.”


–“Trailer park rules do not apply.” –said by Foxy when someone wanted the police to enforce their trailer park rules, which did not exactly match the local ordinances.

–“It’s not common sense; it’s Police Department policy.” –said by Queen Crab the supervisor, when a caller was trying to explain the concept of common sense to her.

–“Must I hate everyone?” –usually said after taking a call of animal neglect or cruelty, although I often say it when reading/watching the news.

“We’re all gonna die!” –said by a Certain Person (or, in her absence, by others) when threatening weather approaches.

–One I’ve wanted to say on a regular basis pretty much all of my life–“You can stop talking now.”

OK, I thought I had more of these, but I don’t. But in case you thought I could stop talking now…

I saw a strip of false eyelashes lying on the sidewalk today. What story goes with those? “No, these aren’t real!”–dramatically flinging them to the ground. But then what happened to the ones on the other eye? Well?

I saw a guy who looked like Edward Snowden in McDonald’s today. Just eating his McNuggets combo and texting away, no doubt to Julian (Julien?) Assange. Obviously he knew no one would think to look for him in a McDonald’s in southern Indiana. I did not call 911 and report this suspicious sighting, although I should have, because then I could get to watch Nick work. And speaking of which…

If Nick turns out to be a vampire–and the evidence is pointing in that direction–I will not allow you to drive a stake though his heart. For one thing, he wears a protective vest to prevent that sort of thing, and also, my motto is Protect and Serve. Or is it Search and Destroy? Oh right, it’s Genius Has Side Effects. I’m sticking with that one, even though the results of the I.Q. test I took to get this job weren’t anything to boast about. They were solidly within the average I.Q. for this line of work, according to Some Website. And did you know that (according to the same site) the average I.Q. of dispatchers is 5-10 points higher than it is for police officers? All the more reason (if additional reasons were needed) that they should do what we say!