I Fought the Law, and Lived to Tell

by pjmcbride

English: Color woodcut poster showing a man be...

English: Color woodcut poster showing a man being hit by an automobile while crossing the street and warning pedestrians: “Don’t jay walk. Watch your step.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As if in retribution for my jaywalking against the police, today I started confidently across the street with a nice fresh “walk” light, and a squad car whipped around the corner and almost got me. The officer was busy talking on the radio. So, theoretically, one of my co-workers almost got me killed by distracting that officer! This means, obviously, that the Conspiracy may be in our very midst! In related news, I have received intelligence that Scott Township may be seceding from Vanderburgh County, and getting its own police force. You knew that had to happen, once they got their own ambulances. Unfortunately, my Security Director is currently out of town on a secret mission, so I can’t confer with him on these matters. The world has indeed changed since I returned from vacation (or “came crawling back,” as Nick put it, bless his bestial heart).

I was quite surprised to check my stats today (not that I’m obsessive about checking them, you understand) and find about twice as many people have been here as I’m accustomed to. Agent Lynbob, you’re worth more money! I’m a bit nervous at the thought that people stopping by and reading my last few posts will conclude, “Well, this person is just crazy.” Without pronouncing definitively on that issue, I urge them to read earlier posts, which will make this Conspiracy stuff, if not non-crazy, at least comprehensible. {Pssst! I make that stuff up! Sometimes with help from some other people.}

Graffito on bus-stop bench: “Dude, she onta me good!” English born speak what?

My co-worker A.J. (A.J. & P.J.! Sounds like a brand of sandwich spread!) asked me the other day why I haven’t used my awe-inspiring #1 seniority to go to day shift. Giddy with being well-rested and headache-free at last, I launched into an enthusiastic, and not entirely related, tirade about phone calls, quantity and quality, on various shifts, and what I don’t like about them. But why should A.J. be the only one to know this? Here’s a list as complete as I can make it. (I know Nick isn’t here to keep order, but stop looking at the door.)

Phone Calls, What I Dislike About Them

–Don’t scream a license plate number at me as soon as I answer the phone. Better yet, don’t scream at all.

–“I have a situation.” I hate situations. They are always long and involved, even convoluted, and often end up not being a police matter anyway. The exception is when a situation is mentioned by a police officer, as in, “We have a situation on the East Side where SWAT will have to be called out.” I like that kind. I know what to do with those. The standard response to the non-police situation usually ends up being, “You’ll have to contact an attorney,” which usually has to be repeated five times before it sinks in.

“I have a (fill in the blank–reckless driver, shoplifter, situation) for you.” As if it were a gift, or as if I were going to go out to the scene and take care of it myself.

“I need someone out here right now.” I’ll be the judge of that. It goes without saying that response time is not speeded up by the number of times you say, “Right now! Hurry!” Remember, hitting the up/down button a bunch of times will not make the elevator arrive any faster. In fact, all that hurry-upping is actually counterproductive, because you’re spending time saying that instead of answering my questions. Which brings me to…

WE ASK ALL THESE QUESTIONS FOR A REASON. “I’ll tell the cops when they get here!” is not acceptable. Cops want to know what they’re getting into before they get into it. They’re funny that way. Also, just so’s ya know, I am not just a glorified vending machine–press the button, get the cops. We ask these questions to determine exactly what is needed, and what priority it is. Surprise! All calls for service are not equally important.

Re-reading my previous, I am reminded of the fact that my original proto-blog in the 90’s was discontinued when our then-director hinted darkly about “the unprofessional attitude of some people.” That director happened to be the person who trained me, back in the mists of antiquity. I know, correlation is not causation and all that stuff.

Anyway, I’ve gone on long enough (long enough for what?). Welcome, everyone who hasn’t been here before, and I hope I haven’t scared you away.