Delusions of Grandeur and Moral Ambiguity

by pjmcbride

Conspiracy Cat ~ Friday the Thirteenth

Conspiracy Cat ~ Friday the Thirteenth (Photo credit: Viewminder)

You may be wondering why I called you all here today. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I must ask you all to sit down and shut up, so I don’t have to raise my voice. Nick won’t let anyone leave until I’m done talking, so cease your unseemly eyeing of the exits.

You recall my talk of The Conspiracy yesterday. I devoted much thought today as to who might be behind it. The answer is so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner. In this connection, I invite to the podium RaBecca Jo. Her importance to our enterprise cannot be overestimated. It was she who first alerted me to the danger, although its full extent has only recently been suspected. She has prepared a series of drawings to illustrate my presentation. We hope this will make the threat clear to you, although much as yet remains unknown. And you all know Nick here. You might think that such a beast is best kept on a chain or in a cage, but he is implacably opposed to the Conspiracy and all its manifestations, as a threat to the rule of law and good order. I am honored that he has agreed to join me at last. He is fully trained to take any necessary action, and I suspect he never sleeps.

RaBecca, the first illustration, please? {A picture of a dancing union suit is placed on the overhead projector.} This union suit was originally seen in a Rural King ad (and still is seen every fall–watch for it!). You will note that its pose makes it appear to be dancing. RaBecca saw this ad by the side of the road once, being blown by the wind, making it actually dance! She immediately recognized its malevolent powers. Which brings us to our second illustration–{a picture of baby corn, with curly hair and wearing sunglasses}. Most of you have seen baby corn. Admit it–do you not find it creepy? RaBecca once found it TAPED TO THE DOOR HANDLE ON HER CAR! Obviously, esoteric powers are at work here. And obviously, they are up to no good. Remember my account of the mischief wrought last night? Remember I said that drivers were too stupid to treat a stuck traffic light as a four-way stop? Well, what else did I say was stupid, in that very paragraph? That’s right, zombies! The Baby Corn and the Union Suit were attempting to create zombie traffic jams! And now I’ve received word that power is out in German Township! The Baby Corn/Union Suit coalition–Lords of Misrule, they might be called–are still sabotaging our infrastructure. They will attack our extrastructure next. Their goal is world domination.

Did I just hear someone say, “I thought your goal was world domination!”? Nick, take that person outside and–well, I won’t tell you how to do your job. The rest of you, consider The Conspiracy and what you can do to stop it. As I said, much remains unknown. RaBecca and I are uncertain of the exact relationship between the Baby Corn and the Union Suit. It is known that the Baby Corn is active in the spring and summer, and the Union Suit takes over in the fall and winter. Are they allies, or rivals? We must attempt to find out more, or we’ll all be dancing to the Union Suit’s tune. I’m not sure what tune that is, but I suspect “Funky Town.” You can dance if you want to? If the Lords of Misrule have their way, we’ll be dancing whether we want to or not!

I think Nick is finished now, so you all may now leave. No, I’m not taking questions.