Crisis in Progress: We’re All Mad Here

by pjmcbride

This month’s job-training materials were, if I remember correctly (which I usually do, so settle down), What Makes a Good Employee, and Attitude and the Team. (For the latter, channeling Jon Stewart, I thought, please don’t say “there is no I in Team,” please don’t say “there is no I in Team,” and THEY DID. There is no rest for the wicked.)

I remember a cartoon in National Lampoon in which a guy is reading an article on what women want in a man. They want someone who is strong, yet sensitive, has a sense of humor but is serious, makes a lot of money but is not a workaholic, is bold in bed yet tender. After reading all these impossibly contradictory traits, the man reading the article says, “Find a guy like that and I’ll f*ck him!” I always think of that when I read descriptions of The Perfect 911 Dispatcher. Must be able to follow rules to the letter! But think independently! (That pesky independent thinking got me in trouble at least once. I resisted the Recommend Units key for years, finding it an insult to my intelligence, but They finally broke me.) Must show individual initiative! But be able to work as part of a team! (which *there is no I in*–must also be able to spell!) Must be able to multitask/prioritize at high speeds and under stressful situations but somehow refrain from turning to drugs! Must be able to work any and all hours and shifts but maintain a positive attitude! I think you see where I’m going with this: find a person like that and I’ll, well, you know. But only if they’re also good-looking.

By the way, the Perfect Employee is not the one who leaves a single ice cube in the bin, so the next person has to empty and refill all the trays. I’ve Got Mine, So Screw You is not a philosophy on which great civilizations are built. At least leave three or four! (And stop me before I italicize again!)

In other news, I have, in spite of myself, acquired a few followers outside of ye olde

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Facebook crowd. I welcome you to the FanBase, and warn you that I truly don’t know what I’m doing.